Lately I’ve been talking to people on various blogs/forums about the age-old double standard of sex:
Women with multiple partners are sluts.
Men with multiple partners are studs.
It is a common topic when speaking about relationships, and my FwB and I are no different. As some readers know, I am 29 and while I’ve been sexually active for 8 years, my only partner has been my current lover (who is 10+ years older and has had 12 partners). Although he thinks I should branch out more, he’s basically fine with being my only…and of course, I’m perfectly fine with his prior sexual experience.
But I’ve often wondered exactly why it is that some men dislike women who have sexual freedom. As I now understand it, there are a few reasons why certain men think this way;
1. Supposedly women who have had numerous partners are more likely to stray during marriage.
2. Women have a far easier time getting men to sleep with them than vice versa. Thus, a low number woman shows that she knows restraint but a high number woman shows that she is greedy or selfish.
3. There is a threat of paternity fraud with women who had multiple partners and abruptly decide to settle down, in that a woman may be carrying the child of an casual sexcapade…but pass it off as being the child of the man she is marrying and/or wants to extract money from.
4. Women are more in touch with their emotional side, and it is simply bad for them to keep falling in and out of love.
5. A woman having multiple partners is unfair, because she knows she can trade sexual favors for dinners, jewelry, cars, etc but a man cannot. This creates a huge inequality gap in society, and demeans those on either side of the relationship.
6. The resent/bitterness that a man can experience hearing about his wife sharing herself so freely in younger years VS how he has to beg for sex or be content with it only a few times a year ruins the marriage and acts as a reminder that he only had a small portion of the partners she had.
Some of these viewpoints I understand (like the fear of paternity fraud), while others I disagree with (sometimes women really DO just want no-strings-attached sex). And of course, I believe that most of these are half-truths or generalizations. As with most things in life, the Truth is somewhere in the middle.
But one part of this discussion really stood out: The greatest issue seemed to be that these men didn’t care about the fact that a woman slept around so much as they cared that she only slept with “Alphas” or “bad boys”. When I gave the example of a woman who has sex simply because she enjoys it…doesn’t ask for gifts in return…and will also sleep with nerds/geeks/shy guys…then the opinion changed. THIS was a woman who was more or less acceptable, despite her high number.
Which brings me to the title of my post (finally). I have found that as I deal with the years of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my stepfather…I’m beginning to see more and more males as attractive. I’ll notice the way a guy’s eyes sparkle when he laughs. I’ll be stopped in my tracks by a whiff of pheromones at the mall. I have recently concluded that I dislike facial hair of any type, am attracted to men who are bigger and slightly overweight, like blonde and grey hair over black/red/brunette, and love it when I can make a man truly laugh.
Yes, it appears that my tastes run not to the standoffish, machisimo, slightly jerky, vaguely condescending “bad boys”…but to the very nerds that are supposedly so off-putting to regular women. How much of this is due to me recognizing them as mostly safe or because of my gender dysphoria? That is still up in the air. Maybe it’s because I share a dice-and-chips encrusted spirit with them…or maybe it’s because I grew to equate “Alpha” behavior with my bastard of a stepfather. Perhaps it is because I still have no desire to marry or have children. Whatever the reason, I am beginning to see men besides my FwB as viable sex partners…even though I would never take another lover over him.
Really, when I think about it, there’s not much of a reason to not enjoy myself with numerous partners someday, when I’m able to stand casual touching.
-I already know that I love sex and that I’ll try anything (safe) once.
-I am a moral and ethical person, and so would never try to do something as horrible as paternity fraud…and am nauseated by the idea of pregnancy anyway.
-I enjoy sex for sex: No prerequisite gifts required here!
-I have no desire for marriage, and will most likely always be content going my own way.
-I firmly believe in being greedy when it comes to sex, as well as being incredibly giving. If each lover tries to give more than they get, it tends to make for splendid fireworks!
-I would obviously be having these encounters with others of “my kind”, the very same men who are said to be good candidates for prolonged virginity and sexual frustration. What better way to share my carnal knowledge and tenderness than with someone who will truly appreciate it as a loving act rather than just another conquest? Besides, I love helping people, and if being validated as a sexual being helps someone to feel better about themselves…I’m for it.
What do you, my readers, think?
Next post, I’ll talk about exactly what sex means to me. For now, please feel free to comment. You can tell me how stupid I am, or let me know that you approve of my newfound feelings. Whatever you want, just remember: Keep it polite and civil to other commenters. Thanks!