What Is Sex?

Sex is many things.

A twisting, turning creature that can be satisfied temporarily but never permanently. It always hungers for more, even immediately after being sated. It is demanding, even selfish…and yet we find ourselves unable to deny it.

Sex is sacred.

An ancient dance that never loses any of it’s strength, regardless of how many times it is performed. Multicolored forms writhing, spinning, turning, and leaping together in a play that is at once powerful and tender. The joining of our most sensitive parts, creating a rare equality in the resulting vulnerability.

Sex is a bonding experience, in all and any ways. Those that we share ourselves with are a part of our souls forever. One should give safely and freely to those who are truly appreciative, but be reserved and cautious towards those who seek only conquest.

Sex is all that is female and male all at once. It is the penetrating force of the masculine, determined, driven. It is the engulfing power of the feminine, tolerant, accepting. The great Lady and the fertile Lord smile gently on Their children who enjoy pleasure without reserve or competition.

Sex is the act of giving more than you take. The sheer joy of showering your lover in the most intimate of kisses, of taking away their troubles and gifting them with a feeling of sweet tenderness. Allowing each other to accept a temporary nakedness…no posturing, armor, or stifling roles required. Pure, simple acceptance of this being as a sexual aspect of humanity, the current and impossibly precious result of so many previous bondings.

Sex is viewing your partner as they truly are. Flaws and perfections combined in an exquisite cacophony of sound, taste and touch. The love that one feels, lying in the moonlight or warming in the sun. Desperate need and hot emotions, tempered by soft caresses and cool fingers. Tongues entwined, mimicking the arms and legs. Fingers running through hair, echoing the thoughts in our minds. A desire to give, take, and surrender to the flame of passion and completeness.

Sex is all of this, and so much more that words cannot speak of.
Sex is…

51 thoughts on “What Is Sex?

  1. Don’t get me wrong, I had some amazing experiences. I was just never able to trust properly.

    I also suffered from endometriosis and think there was a distinct connection between my depression and my hormones.

    Anyway it’s really hard to meet anyone in London, so it’s nice to give less of a shit than I used to!

  2. I understand. Trust is a HUGE part of sex. I’m sure that hormones/body issues didn’t help you at all. Damn you, genetics!

    So long as you are happy, that’s fine. Nobody says you can’t self-love or be asexual. 🙂

  3. Speaking as an asexual who has recently discovered myself to be demisexual, I can say that sex is confusing. For for most of my life, sex was something that I felt pressured by society to enjoy that I never really enjoyed. It was something I did to please my partners, something that was little more than a sometimes moderately pleasant chore. I understood, to a certain degree, the physical pleasure side of sex, but it was never some mind blowing experience and I simply couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that so many viewed it as something to bring people closer together. The emotional side of sex eluded me entirely and I got much more of an emotional bond over cuddling and kissing than I ever did sexual acts. While I was never repulsed by sex, the whole thing kind of baffled me as to why people held it up as such an important thing. When I was single it was never a struggle not having sex and, in truth, I would have been entirely content to be in a sexless relationship and never have sex again. Sex was something that was expected in a relationship, however, and because I cared for my partners it was something I did to make them happy. I never engaged in casual sex because, quite simply, what was the point? I also never judged those who did.

    Recently I have made the transition to that of demisexual. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is essentially someone who is incapable of experiencing primary sexual attraction and only experiences such when a strong emotional bond has all ready developed. I’m just beginning, with my husband, to understand those things that everyone else seemed to understand innately. In some ways this is even more confusing in trying to shift that personal identity that I’ve had for many years. I suspect I’ve always been demisexual and was simply never in a position to be awakened to it.

    I would request that no one suggest that its simply because I’ve ‘met the right person’. In a sense, this is true for myself but I state this to clarify that for most asexuals this is not the case and never will be the case and it is deeply problematic to discount asexuality in such a fashion.

  4. First, many thanks for such a great comment. I remember trying to be asexual in middle school…it obviously didn’t happen.

    What is fascinating is how I see that I take the bonding and connectivity of sex for granted. Not only that, but I personally don’t care for cuddling, as it (strangely) feels like an invasion of my personal space. The only time I can handle it is if sex follows very soon after.

    Regardless of how we view sex, it is incredibly important to realize that there are a plethora of other experiences and types out there. So long as they are safe and consensual, there is no reason to invalidate such differences.

  5. Whoa, this is so, so good Sophia! I love how you end it as though you are only just beginning 🙂

    Well done!


  6. That’s really beautiful. I wish that was the imagery of sex that I had grown up with. As it is, I grew up in a very sex-negative culture of religious fundamentalism. It’s taken me quite a while to overcome that and I would guess that I’m not completely through that process. Although now I can see sex the way you described it.

    I would also like to see sex and rape thought of as two different things. As it is people can find it hard to distinguish between the two. Sex only happens when both people are consenting.

  7. “Sex only happens when both people are consenting.”

    Gods, yes!
    That’s why I only count myself as having one partner. The abuse I survived was only mechanically the same as what I experience with my lover. Other than that, it’s like comparing a crisp, sun ripened apple to a moldy rock…it should never be thought of as being the same thing.

    I’ll admit, it took me over a year to feel this way about sex. Prior to meeting my FwB, my views on sex probably matched yours fairly closely. Only by experiencing sex with someone who actually cared about my comfort and feelings was I able to begin to break from my sexual prison. As it is, I’m only *just* starting to see other men as being sexy AND safe.

  8. Sophia,
    Sex is what I should be having just about now. Thank you for the inspiration…
    Le Clown

  9. To me, sex is more than just penetration. It also includes lots of things outside the bedroom, such as 2 people getting along each other and also both of them on individual basis trying to do many things to make himself/herself sexually attractive or appealing. This is the message that I am trying to bring across in my blog.

  10. The problem with sex is that it is far better as a fantasy then the reality would suggest. 🙂

  11. Having been married to the same woman for thirty -two plus years I’ve experienced great sex, not so great sex, in-between sex and no sex. And yet not once has the reality ever lived up to the fantasy while the consequences of the reality are all too often deadly serious and self destructive.

  12. That is tremendously sad to hear. I have the opposite experience…8 years with the same male lover, and other than one time he accidentally hurt me, each “encounter” has exceeded my expectations. What I wrote above is honestly how I feel about the sex I’ve had. It is consistently glorious…I wish everyone could have it.

    If you don’t mind, what has been missing from your experiences that even “great sex” had dire consequences and/or no bets against fantasy?

  13. Any time a male engages in intimate relations with a woman he hands her the power to destroy and rape him financially. That one salient fact is always in the back of my mind while the reality creates a hostile environment and destroys trust. It is like living with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head by the slenderest of threads lying between the ultra sharp blades of the pair of scissors resting within my wife’s hand.

    One day – perhaps – you will come to understand that dreaming about something – no matter what it is – is sometimes in the long run better that actually having the object of one’s desires leading to disappointment as opposed to happiness.

  14. Glad you broke out of your “sexual prison” and wrote this beautiful peace. It feels like you are liberating the rest of us. Thank you. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

  15. Re: Dreams

    I don’t know, David. My dreams are pretty simple. Before I die I’d like to go to Germany and the UK. I’d like to be completely debt free. I’d like to find loving homes for 100 animals from the shelter I volunteer at. I would love to be able to help my family and friends pay off their bills. I also want to be able to give donations to worthy causes far more than I can now. Material things really don’t matter…so long as I’m alive and able to care for myself and others, what do I really need?

    Re: Sex

    I’ve said this before, but I’m truly saddened by the fact that you feel this way, even after 32 years of marriage. Is there really no trust between the two of you, even a temporary reprieve of this mental hostility, so that you can both enjoy the pleasure of being with someone you love? Someone whose only goal for a few hours is to help you reach new heights of sexual satisfaction, asking for nothing in return? Surely there must be trust then…

  16. Sophia, if a person believes that sex doesn’t live up to the hype (or “fantasy”), they are doing it wrong. But I could never enjoy sex with a person I don’t trust. (and obviously married would be out of the question, as making someone the most important member of your family requires a great deal more trust than having sex does)

  17. I would agree with you completely here. Trust is a prerequisite for having sex…you and your lover are both at your most vulnerable, in body and in mind. I think that’s part of the reason why I don’t understand how people (men or women) can possibly want to have sex while drunk or worse…

  18. Sex is absurd and funny like the human existence (sorry I had a baguette this morning and an urge to smoke cigarettes) and a bit like tofu in that by itself it’s ok sorta but you need sauce and a context to eat it – the tofu I mean. I started having sex very late in life (without having to pay for it) due to social awkwardness and a Dickensian sorta youth.

    Sex is like anything else, its good its bad its ugly and eventually it be narrated wordlessly to a track by Ennio Morricone. I dunno Im still in my silly mood from lastcomment

    Hugs hi-fives

  19. And the problem with promiscuity. Is that it reduces sex to the equivalent to bowel movements.

  20. I have wondered about that, infowarrior. It seems many young men and women talk about sex as “just something else to do” on a Saturday night. I know I could never approach it as such. Even if I were to one day have more partners, I would still treat them as people who are sharing a sacred activity with me.

  21. I regard sex as something to be done in a sacred covenant sealed between and a man and woman. Sworn before god an immutable oath not to part unto death.

    You cannot get more sacred than that.

  22. Well, since you’re on this post, you obviously can see how I feel about it. I also view it as sacred, just in a different way than you do.

    In my view, there doesn’t have to be a covenant (though if both partners want it, it should be done), nor does it have to strictly be between opposite sex partners.

    But that’s my opinion, and yours is just as valid if it works for you.

  23. I disagree though. Only man and woman can become one flesh therefore there is no such thing as same-sex marriage.

    Also do you believe in objective morality?

  24. I’ve never really understood the concept of “becoming one flesh” thing. For example, you and I could have vaginal sex, but our bodies don’t somehow “meld” together. My pleasure is not your pleasure, your penis is not my penis. When the sex is over, our bodies are still our own. We have shared a (hopefully) wonderful and sacred experience…but nothing supernatural took place.

    Same-sex marriage does exist, if not in a religious sense then certainly in a legal sense (at least where I live). Same-sex partners can put each other on insurance, be considered spouses for life/death health decisions or hospital visitation, some adoption purposes, taxes, and inheritance laws. I see no problem with this…but then again, I’m committed to staying unmarried so I don’t have much of a say when it comes to marriage anyway.

    And no, I believe in subjective morality.

  25. “My pleasure is not your pleasure, your penis is not my penis. When the sex is over, our bodies are still our own. We have shared a (hopefully) wonderful and sacred experience…but nothing supernatural took place.”

    You should look at this:


    and this:


    “And no, I believe in subjective morality.”

    I will play devils advocate on this one. Suppose a person bullies someone. And the person who bullies believes he is doing the right thing by crushing the weak. How is that wrong or not wrong?

  26. @infowarrior

    I’m sorry, but I don’t see what either of those links has to do with what we’re talking about here.
    The first one discusses how medical researchers have found small traces of male DNA in female brains, possibly due to remnants left behind from older brothers while in-womb, or from the female fetus reabsorbing what would have been a potential twin brother. It has nothing to do with 2 adults having intercourse.

    I was rather loathe to visit SSM’s blog, as she was extremely rude to me in the past, but I read this one post for you. As I had somewhat expected, she took a tiny bit of information about the microorganisms that live in the human nose, vagina, gut, intestines, mouth, and on our skin and extrapolated it into something that could fit her religious beliefs. I’ve not found any information about whether microbiomes live in the male penile tract, (whereas they definitely live in the vagina), but even if they do…how is microorganisms going from a male’s penis to a female vagina any more special than microorganisms going from a female’s vagina to a male’s mouth? Even “less” special would be shaking hands with someone and exchanging *those* microbiomes.

    Also, remember that microbiomes are simply various forms of bacteria and the like that help our bodies to function. Heck, they even have their own DNA, so they’re not even technically *us*! If anything, we’re just the environment they live in and on…

    So, I’m sorry but what was your point with these links? Your penis is still not my penis, and my clit is still not your clit…no matter how many microbiomes we unwittingly exchange.

  27. “I was rather loathe to visit SSM’s blog, as she was extremely rude to me in the past”


  28. @infowarrior

    Sorry, not something I care to discuss, especially on my blog. It’s in the past, and under a different name from before I started my blog. I’m a little disappointed that *that’s* all you took from my response though… 😛

    As for subjective morality, it’s pretty simple. Let’s go with an even bigger moral no-no: Killing. We are usually taught as younglings that killing = evil (or at least very bad). This is true in the majority of cases, especially if we talk about purposeful murder, religious/ethnic slaughter, or even involuntary manslaughter like in car accidents. Ok, so killing is bad.

    But then does that necessarily mean that every soldier who has killed an opposing soldier is evil? Most people I’ve met are quite patriotic, and would say no.
    What about killing other species for our own gain? *I* don’t believe that my life is inherently worth more than that of a pig or cow, though I do have greater potential for it to be. Thus, I believe killing the amount of non-human animals for food that we do is unhealthy and immoral. Factory farms, anyone? Yet most Americans I’ve spoken to get visibly upset/angry by my choice to be vegetarian. So killing non-human animals is moral for them, but immoral for me.
    How about the suffering cancer patient who wants to die? Only one state that I know of has a “Death with Dignity” law. Our society allows us to quickly and painlessly end the life of our pet dog if they’re in chronic pain…yet we can’t do this for a relative who actually *wants* to pass on. To me, giving someone the chance to gather their loved ones around them to say goodbye on a set date, and gracefully letting them die is so much more moral than putting everyone through the physical and emotional turmoil of trying to keep someone’s agony wracked body alive for another few weeks. Yet we don’t do this…

    So, I feel that morality is subjective as it can be adapted to various situations BUT it is unarguable that society functions best when everyone agrees to a core set of laws where the least amount of pain/injustice is allowed.

    Care to explain why you believe morality is objective and comes from an outside source?

  29. The philosophical question about morality being subjective. And the hypothetical scenario I have proposed by playing devil’s advocate.

  30. I am bad at explanation. I am just good at absorbing information. My explanation would have fallen far short of the articulation in the link I gave.

  31. You described the full package: having sex with a partner you are bonded with in mind, body, and spirit.

    The full package is a very rare find.

    Well done, Tarnished.

  32. Thank you for the compliment, Smooth. It’s greatly appreciated, especially coming from another who understands what sex truly means for some of us.

    I’ve only had one lover thusfar in life, but he truly is amazing!

  33. Padawan in Tarnished most interested would be
    Except she’s definitely not interested in me!

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