I think my FwB is a really awesome and attractive man. Here’s why…
-He is kind and pleasant to be around.
I’m very attracted to people who have good morals, are giving, and aren’t bigoted against those who are different. He is open to considering different points of view, and loves to experience different foods, places, etc.
-He is a nerdy and geeky guy.
We share a lot of interests like D&D, videogames, boardgames, and similar hobbies. It’s cool to know someone who will go to any superhero/action/fantasy movie with me…though I *would* like to get my copy of DragonAge back sometime soon.
-My FwB is not a musclebound dude.
He’s overweight by about 50 lbs, and has a “keg” rather than a “six pack”. But as I find that boys with ripped bodies tend to be slightly narcissistic and look (in my opinion) like over-sized Ken dolls, I think he is very sexy as he is. Should he lose *some* weight? Yes, but only for health reasons. I am attracted to him just the way he is.
-He asks for my opinion on everything. When I was growing up, and when I tried to date in high school, I was very rarely asked my opinions on restaurants/places of interest/etc. I constantly felt like I was being led around, rather than making decisions for myself. My lover does the exact opposite, and leaves most decisions and planning up to me, or we work on it together. Much preferable!
-He doesn’t mind that I pay.
I’ve met boys who get very in-your-face about the fact they think they should pay for everything on a date. I can’t stand this, especially since it feels like the other person is attempting to indirectly buy my affections. (Also, if the date goes nowhere I’d prefer to not “owe” anything.) My lover doesn’t usually have as much disposable income as I do, so I end up paying 95% of the time. Best of all, he never complains about it. I like spoiling him with surprise gifts and candies too, as I do with all my friends.
-He’s an all-around nice guy.
I never have to act like someone I’m not when I’m around him. He’s charming without being absurdly polite, he is generally confident in his abilities but will ask for help when necessary, and he is not shy about talking about how he is feeling at that moment. It’s so refreshing to have someone in my life who isn’t hiding their emotions all the time, or denies them till they boil over.
-He’s funny, but can be serious.
One of my major complaints with the boys I attempted to date in high school is that they were always trying to make me laugh, even when I was having a bad day. For example, one boy kept cracking jokes in an effort to get me to smile/laugh the day after I had to put my dog down. I gently told him that I just didn’t feel like smiling that day, and he responded “that just means I have to try harder”. Yes, because emotional manipulation is so sexy…Needless to say, I dropped him like a sack of fish heads. With my FwB, he does make me laugh, but understands that there are times when humor has no place in a conversation. Maturity and empathy is sexy.
-He’s clean.
No, I don’t mean he has no STDs (although that is true also). I mean he is hygienic. As I discussed in my post “The Games We Play”, the stereotype of gamer B.O. is definitely true in some cases. As a worker in the hobby industry, there have been many a time when a customer has made me wish I had nose plugs. My lover knows the importance of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, well-kept nails, and deodorant. Believe me…it’s worth mentioning and praising!
-He is sexually adventurous.
I’ve never been with anyone else, but I heard from many women in high school and college locker rooms that their boyfriends always try to be ultra dominant in the bedroom. Thankfully, my lover *can* be dominant but is also very capable of being equal or even submissive…as am I. Being a multifaceted sexual partner sounds better, in my opinion, than being a one-trick pony who only knows how to be in one or two positions.
-He’s the yin to my yang.
I’m a INTJ, he’s a ENFP.
I’m generally stoic, he’s emotionally open.
I’m a workaholic, he enjoys relaxing.
Friends are more important to me, family is more important to him.
I am quiet and a bit of a wallflower unless I’m at work, he loves being the center of attention everywhere he goes.
I like to discuss philosophy, theology, and sociology, he usually talks about pop culture and his interests.
It’s a weird balance for both of us, but I’ll take it.
We are very different, but he is an awesome friend, fantastic sexual partner, and a wonderful confidant. I’m happy to have found such a great person who enjoys my company too.
I hope every one of my readers can find a similar friend at least once in their life!
What do you look for in a partner, or find attractive in the one you have?
Tarnished Sophia 
As a fellow INTJ, I must say that your FWB is one lucky dude.
As are you, obviously. Glad for you that you have such an enjoyable relationship. This was such a nice post to read.
Thank you, Nav. It’s nice to know there are a few other INTJs knocking around the blogosphere.
As for my post, I enjoyed writing it. There are so many articles online that have women gushing about how their men are awesome because of how they make them feel, rather than anything actually good about the guy in question.
In my view, it is acceptable to admit that you like how your partner makes you feel loved or safe…but you also have to appreciate them for actual qualities they possess that don’t necessarily affect you or your emotions directly.
How true. It is refreshing to see an objective interpretation of this reality.
That’s awesome, Sophia! 🙂
“He asks for my opinion on everything. When I was growing up, and when I tried to date in high school, I was very rarely asked my opinions on restaurants/places of interest/etc. I constantly felt like I was being led around, rather than making decisions for myself. My lover does the exact opposite, and leaves most decisions and planning up to me, or we work on it together. Much preferable!”
I had a similar experience in highschool/very early college. One of the things that initially drew me to my husband (in addition to high intelligence, witt, and charisma) was the fact that I could tell he was really listening to me when I spoke.
We had conversations about everything (politics to family), and he obviously found me an interesting person and he seemed to want to know more. We didn’t agree on everything, but it was very interesting. OTOH, I’d been on dates with other men (boys really, at that age) who might pretend to listen, but it was obvious from their body language they couldn’t care less about me (other than they liked the way I looked). Some were extremely arrogant, and it rubbed me wrong immediately. He had a lot going on, so it was pretty flattering that he took a (real) interest and wasn’t arrogant at all.
Hey Liz. That’s spectacular, your husband sounds like fantastic and well-rounded man. I think it is great that both of us have such wonderful, respectful partners in our lives. 😀
Sounds like you have a good relationship with that man.
Like you, I like someone with good morals, although it doesn’t mean everyone had to agree (the race for looking the most holy is just another status thing). I just feel that principles is the only thing you can’t lose except through your own free will.
I like all body types but have a special preference for the slightly fat one. Is this your preference, or your fwb just happens to be that way? My boyfriend is just normal though. I like that he’s only 2 inches taller than me 😀 Dunno why, but I like men to be similar in size to me.
Not sure what I think about sexual adventurousness. On one hand, fun. On another, a one-trick pony is easy to please. So both are good IMO and I wouldn’t be able to choose if I had to choose again.
Also, I remember you said somewhere that you got turned off from jerks early because of their gross behavior. I feel the same. And many weren’t even jerks to me personally. I just saw what they did and always felt some kind of lack of respect in their words. Oh, and they were too scary and I couldn’t trust them.
I do, he’s amazing as both a friend and a sexual partner. 🙂
Totally agree with you about the holy = status thing. Having good morals and principals isn’t based on one’s religion/lack thereof anyway (hence why atheists like yourself are just as moral as everyone else!) I’m a Pagan, he’s a Christian…we disagree on some things obviously, but never the truly important stuff.
Yes, my preference is for guys who are a bit on the chunky side. Not obese…but certainly with a larger, softer frame. It may be because most gamers/nerds are like that so it became what I was used to through my friends, but I think it also had something to do with being pushed around by jocks in middle and high school. It’s hard to “appreciate” a boy’s tight, muscular body when it’s being used to trip you, steal your books, or slamming you into a locker…Lol, our tastes seem pretty similar. I also prefer a man I can look in the eye. My FwB *is* a bit taller than me, but I forgive him. 😉
For me, being sexual adventurous is a must. If I ever had to find a new partner, he or she would have to be open minded about at least trying new positions, toys, roles, etc. They wouldn’t have to commit to anything, of course…if we tried position X and they hated it, I wouldn’t pressure them into doing it again. For that reason, I actually have a fantasy about being with a male virgin…showing someone the ropes and letting them discover their own desires with a safe, understanding partner (like my lover did for me) sounds very nice. Maybe one day I’ll get to…my FwB is always pushing me to get more experience with people besides just him. But until then I’m happy that my lover is into being both Dom and Sub, is into different roleplays, and can switch it up from time to time. Keeps things interesting, you know?
Oh Gods…jerks are the absolute worst. I never understand why many women find stereotypical Jerkwad McDoucheface’s so appealing. You are 100% correct…they have very poor body language, usually enjoy pushing others around, tend to be narcissistic/arrogant, and in my opinion just cannot be trusted to not fly off the handle. You’re right, it *doesn’t* matter who they are cruel to…still makes them undesirable. Take example from the show Once Upon A Time: the majority of the soldiers are what women typically go for (tall, strong, bearded, “uber-alpha”, muscles everywhere). But they are also jerks, and use their power to crush the peasants under their boots. Hence why men like Rumplestiltskin (before he became the Dark One) are FAR more attractive as a mate.
“…jerks are the absolute worst. I never understand why many women find stereotypical Jerkwad McDoucheface’s so appealing. You are 100% correct…they have very poor body language, usually enjoy pushing others around, tend to be narcissistic/arrogant, and in my opinion just cannot be trusted to not fly off the handle. You’re right, it *doesn’t* matter who they are cruel to…still makes them undesirable.”
I agree. Seems like a weird sentiment to me (around the sphere) that women like jerks. I think a lot of men act like jerks to cover insecurity…I think they fear coming across as over-earnest or insipid (which can be nauseating, and might be worse) they over-compensate. Jerks do attract more women than insipidity, but only a certain type of woman is drawn to that (not the good kind).
You make a good point, Liz.
It seems there’s this confusion of Confidence vs Jerkiness in a lot of the manosphere.
A man (or woman, for that matter) can be confident in their abilities…able to laugh at themselves…admit when they’re wrong AND assert themselves when they’re right…and just generally act like they belong in a conversation.
Jerks (or bitches) insert themselves and their opinions into every conversation, even when it doesn’t make sense…they act arrogant and command the attention of others through force, not because they are interesting…and often put others down so they can superficially look better in comparison.
I agree that people who act insipid aren’t as attractive as someone who is confident. That’s a no-brainer. But with the help of a good friend or lover, who sees the golden heart underneath, insipidness can be cured and turned into confidence. As far as I’ve been able to tell, there’s no true cure for being a douchewad.
Short version: I’d rather have a partner who is genuine, with a good heart and moral compass than someone who loves themselves above all else.
They say women like jerks because there are so few men who are confident AND have a kind, generous nature. There is either an overconfident jerk or a weak, dependent on everyone’s approval “niceguy”. What do you think of this hypothesis?
I think it’s bullshit. You know that I haven’t had female friends since 8th grade, and that every one of my friends past that point has been a guy…Well, my group in middle and high school was nerds, geeks, goths, dorks, etc. Guess what? For all their oddities and flaws, they were frickin awesome examples of men…courteous, respectful, kind, confident in what they knew and curious about what they didn’t, easy to get along with, and never bigoted towards anyone. By 10th grade, every single one of them had a girlfriend (or boyfriend since 2 of them were gay). In fact, they used to tease me about being the “onlyest one” who never actively sought out a partner.
My point: This was a fairly stable group of 6 really good friends and about 20 others who were regular friends. I refuse to believe that somehow our entire ragtag bunch were *that* special when it comes to not being jerks but still having happy relationships.
Note that it’s not that I believe CAN’T be approval-dependant niceguys or arrogant jerks. They certainly can be, just as women can be catty bitches or ultra-submissive invertebrates.
But I deny the hypothesis that it’s impossible for anyone to be confident and nice at the same time.
Tarn, two remarks:
Calling someone “sexy” is inherently subjective. It boils down to “I find his presence arousing/sexually stimulating”. How would other women interpret it? By inserting their own images/constructs/perceptions/whateverm that arouse THEM.
Do you know how being monogamous FEELS for a man? You mentioned that you like reading Scientific American. Here is a link to a S.A. article:
Love Hurts: Brain Chemistry Explains the Pangs of Separation [Excerpt]
If you know his personal backstory, you might find it deeply ironic that it was brought to my attention by a certain Mark Minter commenting at The Rational Male (the blog of Rollo Tomassi).
If taken to the extreme, it could even drive someone to suicide. There is a very good reason for men to be cautious, cautious, and once again, cautious.
Well yes, of course. Sexiness is definitely subjective. For example, both Emma and I are more attracted to a large body type than a muscular body type. I’m attracted to nerdy people, whereas someone else may be attracted to Goths, jocks, shy people, etc. I don’t think I argued that sexiness was objective?
That’s a good article, and I’ll be doing some more research into the chemicals they mentioned, but I probably could have told you what the observable results were going to be. I’ve had dozens of animal companions throughout my life, and each time their cagemate/littermate died, the surviving pet needed far more love and attention…sometimes to the point where I’d have to bring them to work with me so I could hold them during my break, because they’d cry nearly the whole time I was gone (according to neighbors). I’m rather surprised that the article only mentioned how the separated MALE voles reacted…it would have been more informative if they spoke of how the females did in the tests as well.
Involuntary separation from a pair bonded mate or even an incredibly close friend is a terrible thing. I know that when our schedules are in conflict and I can’t see my lover for over a week, I feel lethargic, slightly sad the whole time, and find it more difficult to act open and continuously cheerful at work. I don’t believe we are even pair bonded…so if this is how *I* feel, I can only imagine how it is for mates.
Female voles (and women) rely predominantly on oxytocin. The generalized ingroup bonds also depend on it, so it stands to reason that more contact with children/extended family/friends often acts as mitigating substitute.
Note the difference between the behavior of paired “bro” voles and pairbonded voles of opposite gender.
“…more contact with children/extended family/friends often acts as a mitigating substitute.”
Agreed. After a divorce or break up, women are more likely to fall back into deep relationships with other loved ones, whereas men tend to withdraw and stay in a depressed mood. But I imagine that the separated female voles in this experiment were probably not given this opportunity…if they really wanted to see what would happen with pair bonded mates, they should have tested BOTH mates, not just the males. If a pair bonded female is kept away from any “mitigating substitutes” like friends and family, what chemical reactions take place in her brain? How similar or different are they from a male in the same situation? This is what I’m curious about.
I can say from personal experience with my own small pets (guinea pigs, rats, hamsters, mice, gerbils, rabbits, and parakeets) that both males and females desired more touch and attention from me when their friend or mate passed on. Sometimes, even my increased attention wasn’t enough…I had a rat and guinea pig who each simply gave up the will to live after their cagemates of 6+ years died. The vet could find nothing wrong with them, my girls simply wasted away within the month of the other’s passing.
That’s the subject for some future study, I assume. But the two control groups should consist of two sisters that time, right?
You have/had an astounding number of pets. Is it smart to become attached to such short-lived companions?
Yes, the control group should be two “long lost” sisters, and the variable group should once again be pair bonded mates, but females this time.
I don’t see why it’s unwise to love numerous companions. They shared parts of my life and gave me comfort when I was unable to endure human touch. In return, I gave them the best life possible…in fact, the majority of my pets have lived 2 years longer than the standard age. I have pictures of most of them, and can remember all their names, all 51 of them.
Remember that I’m 29, and that I usually have many pets at one time. For example, right now I have a cockatiel (age 4), 2 parakeets (ages 3 and 15), a hamster (age 5), and a guinea pig (no clue since he’s a recent rescue, but vet says he’s at least 3).
Why do you think having many companions is a bad thing?
Less companions but long-lived versus more, but short-lived. Which would you prefer?
Returning to love and separation, in my mind this song describes “withdrawal” symptoms, LOL
Can’t say I have a preference in regards to someone’s lifespan. I’ve had large companions like dogs and cats, but I always have a quicker/deeper bond with rodents and birds. Since they have shorter lifespans, I just have to make sure they’re that much better.
Hey, I know that song.
I agree, it really does embody a lot of what one can feel.
Thought this might be interesting, in regards to our conversation;
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2012/09/why-breakups-are-harder-on-men-glamour-magazine-october-2012
Well, I’d rather not rely on the Glamour magazine for relationship tips – anything goes, as long as it compels the target demographic to buy and read it. Do you remember my earlier comment about women more likely than men to become bored with their partners with time? It gladdens me that there are some honest women out there able to admit that themselves in public. Her future book seems interesting…
If you are unable to read in on your phone, does your FwB have a PC? I bet this article would interest him as well. 🙂
While I usually wouldn’t take any sort of advice from such a magazine either, I included said link because that particular article was written by Brian Alexander…the same man who wrote the book you mentioned. He and Dr Larry Young are the same guys responsible for YOUR previous link. Thus, I don’t hold anything against this article, even if it IS in an unfortunate magazine. 😉
No, my phone is good. I write all my posts on it, after all!
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/01/26/my-thoughts-on-the-mgtow-movement/#comment-1557
I have linked twice to the New York Times articles. So this time it went smoothly, I guess.
Even from the same author, there are some nuances that might be outlined differently depending on the target. For me, Cosmo, Glamour and the like are in large part taxing to read. 😉
I’d probably disagree. If the author is sincere about their efforts, and the editor of said publication doesn’t change the information, I see no reason to not read it in the intent it was given. For example, I’d still read something by Prof. Dawkins regardless if it was featured in a science mag or a Christian mag.
And don’t worry…the article in glamour has no information that contradicts the book (which I bought and read). 🙂
Oh, so you don’t know the semi-humorous rule of the thumb used by editors: “Every printed mathematical formula cuts the number of buyers by half”? A similar, yet less drastic measure is also applicable to biochemical reactions and data tables included in pop-sci publications.
Of course, I’d prefer as much detail as possible, but it’s me…
Oh, I do too, and if I read something in a less-than-stellar publication I’ll check the sources they have listed to see what the original says.
Hence, I read YOUR linked article, then I read MY linked article, then I actually went out and bought the book to learn the full truth.
Always check the original research, that’s my motto. Oftentimes, it contains far more information than anything you can find in a secondary or tertiary source.
He sounds great Tarn. And look, a year later almost and you still feel the same. I’d say you guys are a good match! (I am INFP, so similar to your FWB, except introverted).
I agree too on the switching things up as far as bedroom power plays, keeps things interesting! 😉
Oh, he’s absolutely amazing. We may not be the masculine male/feminine female type of couple, but we still go together like chocolate and peanut butter, lol.
Eight years and still going strong as lovers and the best of friends.
I pray that everyone finds someone like this in their life!
Like peanut butter and chocolate, may we all find that! 😀