So I’ve been considering a point that came up in my last post, coupled with a response to something I said on M3’s blog. Here’s the comment from last time that got my mind turning;
Spawny Said: I’d think about dropping the ‘virgin’ requirement and replacing it with ‘clean’, that should up your chances of joy. I get the impression that that’s your requirement (clean), not sure how that became virgin? I have no objection to you doing the beast with two backs with a virgin (I’m sure he’d be overjoyed too), I just think that you’re making it more difficult than required to find someone.”
The conversation continued past this comment, but it kind of stuck with me. Did I actually mean virgin? It *was* the initial wording I used, though Spawny does have the right idea that a clean/STD free partner is a must. I shelved it away for another day, and didn’t think about it again til I started rereading select posts from M3’s blog for my research on Incel/Human Needs. As I scrolled, I saw a comment I’d made a few weeks ago, asking about men who have severe trouble being around the opposite sex. Here’s some of the exchange. A link to his full post is here.
M3 Said: “…but if you’re talking about the most hopeless cases of men, like omega’s, and severely socially awkward or retarded men who cannot even be in a woman’s presence without buckling, then they equal the lower rungs of women who are so horribly ugly or overweight, these types of people simply come to terms with their fate and understand why they are excluded.”
I Responded: “I guess that’s who I’m talking about…to be honest, I’m not sure. I had the guys who were “featured” on Guys of Okcupid in mind when I posted my question, if that helps. I don’t know what they would be classed as.
The thing I’ve noticed about your aforementioned socially awkward men who can barely be around women is that they actually CAN, but one has to be exceptionally nice to them. Treat them with “kid gloves” I suppose would be the term. Once you smile at them (a real smile, that uses your mouth AND eyes), and gently seek out their opinion on whatever it is you’re doing/watching together, they are in reality quite friendly and easy to get along with. I’m talking about some of my customers plus guys from conventions I’ve been to, but I believe they’re who you mention. Their initial mannerisms remind me very strongly of the dogs and cats I help at the shelter…expecting condemnation and hurt, and being surprised when praise and positive interaction is given instead. I hope this analogy isn’t offensive to anyone, but it’s true.”
M3 agreed with me, but said that the vast majority of women would never find this sort attractive, and would certainly never consider them viable sexual partners. I began thinking about this in conjunction with the feelings I experience while reading various incel blogs and forums. I’m not ashamed to say that certain comments/posts have actually brought tears to my eyes or a lump to my throat. For the most part, people (overwhelmingly men) who suffer with involuntary celibacy are not simply experiencing a “dry spell”…they are not complaining about going a month, a quarter, or even an entire year without sex. No, these men are speaking out about enduring entire *decades* without physical intimacy.
And it’s not always just about sex, either. I’ve read incredibly moving stories from men who have gone years without a hug from the opposite sex or who are 50 years old and have never been kissed. I think back to how terrified I used to be of human touch and reverse it…what if the level of horror I used to feel was equal to someone else’s level of desire for it? If the resulting emotion I attempted to make myself empathize with is even a *tenth* of what incels go through, I’m honestly surprised that more haven’t committed suicide.
At least I, in my former fear, could back away from others or loudly ask them not to hug/touch/kiss me. But how does one do the opposite? How does one ask for a hug without being seen as weird or clingy? How can a man ask for a simple kiss without being called a creeper or accused of attempted sexual harassment? And in the US, how does an incel who just wants to be a part of the physical intimacy and belonging that is shoved in our faces every damn day but can’t legally buy the services of a prostitute or afford an escort and literally has no luck with women…how does he wake up every morning still mustering up the hope that this will at last be *the* day that he’s shown love by a woman?
Answer: After a while, they don’t. They give up living, just like some of the dogs, cats, birds, and rodents I’ve cared for over many years. Sometimes you’re lucky, and you get a rabbit or parrot or terrier before they’re too far gone and you can teach them to live again. Other times…it’s over. They are in perfect health physically, but a part of them is already dead and there is nothing that anyone can do about it, so they waste away unless you are compassionate enough to end their pain for them. Gods, but sometimes I really do hate people, even if it’s constricted to the ones who have no empathy to speak of.
I guess this is why I initially said “virgin”…I meant incel. Every morning when I get up, I *know* that I’ll have a chance to help someone else. It happens without fail, though it can be something small like giving a hug to a war veteran after buying a red flower from him, or carrying a pregnant woman’s groceries out to her car. Maybe it’s being super polite to a customer who’s having a rotten day, or buying a cold bottle of water for a homeless man during a heat wave. There are numerous opportunities to simply aid another besides yourself, and it makes me happy to do so. You don’t need praise or reward to help others…it’s a prize unto itself.
I suppose I just believe that if I’m going to overcome my fears of increased intimacy/sexual experience, I’d want someone else to benefit as well. It wouldn’t matter to me that they’re inexperienced…I am fully capable of taking responsibility for my pleasure in addition to my partner’s. Nor would it matter to me if they have a job, aren’t conventionally attractive, are slightly overweight, or are awkward, as these are all traits that can be dealt with (or just accepted). Maybe helping someone else to overcome *their* issues is the way to step up and overcome mine.
Or maybe I’m still too scared…*sigh*
I wish these sort of things were easier.