Hey all. This started out as a reply comment to another commenter on a blog I read, http://theunfortunatevirginmale.wordpress.com/. It became quite a bit longer than I initially expected, and has some good talking points in it, so I figured I’d just turn it into a post.
His original comment is in bold, my response to each part is in regular text. Although I have broken up his comment into smaller pieces to make replying easier, I have not changed a single word or taken anything out, including the link to his statistic at the bottom. As this comment was not directed toward myself, but to Unfortunate Virgin, I’ve also left the quotations. Hope this doesn’t make it too difficult to read…I can clarify further if it’s needed.
Oh, and just so readers aren’t thinking I’m coming down too harshly on the original commenter: I realize that he wrote this and has these beliefs due to social expectations, the media in general, and from conversations he’s had in the past. I’m not angry or fed up with him as an individual. I’m pissed at the way society treats virgins, particularly male ones, and the fact that he has reached these conclusions without anyone stepping up to say “No, that’s not how it has to be”. That’s what is sticking in my craw, not the guy himself. So with that cleared up, let’s go…
I’m fairly confident that if the girls you were dating knew at the outset that you were a virgin… they absolutely wouldn’t be dating you in the first place, no matter how attractive you were….Unless you’ve made that clear in your profile?
-Well, then he should try looking for women as sexual partners, not immature girls who still cling to the idea that sexual experience is somehow related to being a better person.
While I’m also a virgin, my perspective is that when the time comes (and the rate you’re going, it will soon), and the physical intensity between you makes it clear that sex will happen…she *will* freak out when she knows.
-I can only speak for myself, but I would only freak out if my partner didn’t tell me ahead of time that he was a virgin. I’m one of those people who believe that you never forget your first time, and I’d be very disappointed (not to mention incredibly hurt) to have not been given the chance to make their first a memorable one. I’m not talking rose petals on the bed and a candlelit room with a bottle of Dom Perignon chilling on the nightstand…I’m not a romantically inclined sort. My own virginity was shared in the back of a car, and I was still very pleased by the entire encounter. But knowing he is a virgin I can go slower and make sure he is well pleasured during our time together. Your first time is never going to be your best time, but it can be a good one.
Once she’s decided that she wants to have sex with you, she’ll rationalize away the fact that she would never have given you the time of day if she knew you were a virgin to begin with; she’ll probably eventually say something silly like “Aw, that’s cute.”
-Sex should never be rationalized away…it’s either something you want or it’s not. Being a virgin is not a “cute” state of being, it’s just how things are, and I would personally be quite insulted by someone trying to say my lack of experience is somehow akin to a basket of kittens. If you are with someone who makes a big deal about the fact you’ve never done something before (driven a car, rode a bike, had sex, learned to swim, eaten sushi, etc) then they’re *probably* not the one to share that experience with. For one thing, they would probably not be a good teacher…
The problem is that that changes the sexual dynamic; she can’t help but pity you and feel like she’s “helping” you. That’s nice, but she will NEVER respect you the way she would respect a non-virgin; you’ll always be a little puppy who she saved.
-Again, wtf is with this idea that virgins are child-like (or in this case, puppy-like)? For Gods’ sake, it’s a single aspect of human interaction that they haven’t done. I don’t respect people who know how to hanglide any more than people who don’t know how to hanglide…why the heck should it be different for sex? Nobody needs to be “saved” from their virginity, they just need to find someone who is nice enough to share it with and they are at least a little attracted to. This concept of “sex = adulthood” needs to end. Now.
Not a big deal if you’re just looking to lose your virginity (and not a fulfilling long-term relationship), but I’m just offering some perspective for whatever it’s worth.
-I will admit up front I don’t understand this viewpoint. Regardless of whether it’s a one-night stand, a FwB situation, or a long term relationship, I’d want my partner to have some respect for me as a person. It’s entirely possible I’m just weird though, and that other people don’t think this way.
Also; “Do you know how often I’ve heard women complaining about guys not knowing how to please them?”
No shit. According the CDC, less than 4% of men your age are have not had “sexual contact”; by the time you reach 30, it’s less than 2%. Non-virgin men being worthless lovers is the norm not the exception (and more sex =/= better at it; women typically either put up with the bad sex and don’t care to teach or they move on). Faking orgasms is the norm for women.
-Unfortunately for a lot of women, the statistics show that this is pretty close to being true (about faking orgasms and not being sexually satisfied, I mean). I have never had to fake one since my FwB is very open to communication during sex and we can just tell/show each other what’s working and what’s not, but from what I’ve read online and heard from various women, mine is not the typical case. According to my sources, the majority of men they have been with find that being “told what to do” during sex is a major insult and that they feel what works for Woman A should work just as well for Woman B…which is about as far away from truth as you can get. (I wouldn’t expect Man A and Man B to have the same exact likes/dislikes either, though.) That being said, I’ve heard from the male side that plenty of women just lay there like a mannequin and don’t do much in the way of actually participating. Ladies, sex needs at least 2 partners. I’m not saying you should be fully responsible for your orgasms during sex, but remember that it’s more fun if everyone is moving around and having a good time.
Many men who think they ARE good lovers (and most men do) think that “good sex” for her means just the extra step of a few awkward tongue-flicks of the clitoris (as if muff-diving is little more than paying the toll to mount) before you hop on top of her and pump away for ~2-3 minutes. The best sex is a multi-faceted physical experience of which penetration is only a part; ideally, it should involve every inch of her body.
-I agree with everything he says here, with the addition of “It should involve every inch of his body.” Men are sensual creatures, too. Why should the sex be all about her needs, when he has his own? Fairness, people! Talk to each other about what you want. I promise, it’s not that difficult and can be pretty hot when done right.
“I’m pretty confident I can find my way around a woman’s body.” You’re obviously thoughtful and intelligent enough to make good on this. I believe in you…just make sure you’re challenging yourself in the masturbation sessions so that you don’t ejaculate too soon. Being a virgin, I can only assume that premature ejaculation could potentially be a serious problem when the real thing happens. Good luck.
-Eh, the only thing I dislike about this advice is how it caters to the idea that the sex is over/done once the man has cum. It’s like society at large has determined that hetero sex has to follow a standardized flow chart or something: Start > Kissing > Fondling > Nakedness > Foreplay > Female Orgasm > Penetration > Male Orgasm > Finish. This is not how it has to be, just so everyone knows.
I have a big problem with this concept, because it necessarily means that the male must hold off on his own climax until the couple is ready to be “done” with the sexy funtimes. Thus something that should only be viewed as a good occurrence (the guy’s orgasm) is put into a very shameful light if it happens too early (premature ejaculation). We women don’t have this issue to the same extent, because our bodies are designed for multiple orgasms.** But most men are only able to have 1, maybe 2, penile orgasms per encounter…putting more unnecessary pressure on them to hold off til the woman is fully satisfied. I can only imagine how stressful this is for a male virgin, especially if he’s with a female partner who has lots of experience.
Here’s an idea: If the man “prematurely ejaculates”, don’t stop having sex. Keep cuddling and lightly caressing so the fire doesn’t go out completely, and the situation stays hot. He can then bring off the woman with his fingers or mouth while waiting for his penis to be touchable again. Then both people will be less stressed out and orgasms shall be had all around. Hooray, orgasms! 😀
1. Chandra A, Mosher WD, Copen C, Sionean C. Sexual behavior, sexual attraction, and sexual identity in the United States: data from the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth. Natl Health Stat Report. 2011;(36):1-36.
-This is a good resource he found. I highly recommend checking it out.
**Note: I feel I should mention that even though women can have multiple orgasms, it’s also possible for us to get too sensitive after a particularly big one. So, much like how a man’s penis is supersensitive after cumming, a woman’s clit can be too. As always, it’s important to be communicative with one’s partner so the most fun can be had by both.