Lately I’ve been reading a lot of posts, written by both men and women, that talk about what people look for in a mate. Now, obviously my definition of “mate” is more casual than most since I have only ever enjoyed a single FwB (although another potential FwB might be on the horizon…not naming any names since he’s a fellow blogger 😉 ).
The thing that struck me is that some of these lists of “qualifications” are frickin long...seriously, I don’t think NASA even asks for this much. Others are somewhat hypocritical, like women who say they are “strong and independent” but then write that they refuse to go dutch on dates, or guys who admit to being 80 lbs overweight but specify that potential girlfriends must be under a size 6. Seriously, people? Come on.
Anyway, I thought I’d do my own list of traits I would look for in a guy. They aren’t in any particular order, but they are all characteristics I think are good, and would fit with my own. And yes, my FwB has all of them, and no, I’ve never actually dated anyone without these because I let them go after the first date. Let’s take a look:
1. Good sense of humor.
I may have a strict comments policy here, and often talk about serious topics, but in the real world I am always making people laugh. Customers, friends, coworkers, the random dude in front of me at the supermarket…What can I say, I enjoy seeing people happy. The thing is, I can be PC with my jokes/puns (and I am in public), but when I’m not in mixed company, I become more like one of the guys. If the guy I were to date was easily offended or had no sense of humor, it would not work out.
2. Likes nature/animals.
I have always had lots of pets, of many different species, and so far have not met anything in the animal kingdom that scares me (besides other humans). If a date says he hates anything with fur, scales, or feathers…Sorry, bro. I also enjoy going for walks, hiking, climbing trees, and I miss camping like I did when I was younger. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes crashing in front of the TV with a new RPG is the only way to relax at that moment…but I’d still like to go outside and gaze up at the constellations later that night. You can dislike crowds and clubs all you want, but I need my trees.
3. Honesty
As I believe in open relationships, I would never tell a date that they can only hang out with/have sex with me. If they don’t want to go to the Reptile Expo with me, I don’t want a fake story about how their friend’s-cousin’s-uncle is in the hospital…just say you aren’t interested. My brain will not explode, I promise. Likewise, I’m not going to freak out if they let me know they found a hot lady who wants to sleep with them…it’s not as though I own their body. Of course, everyone must use adequate protection, but that should go without saying.
4. Nice
I can hear some of you groaning and rolling your eyes. Stop it.
Yes, I like nice guys. Let me explain:
I do not want a mate who is chivalrous, or thinks I’m a special snowflake, or treats me better than everyone else in their life. I do want a mate who is just an all around pleasant man, that allows his feelings to show, who helps elderly people with their bags, or stops to aid a dude who is struggling with an awkward box. Why? Because I already do this myself for random men and women very nearly every day…I would not want to be with anyone who basically says “fuck it” when it comes to assisting another human being. Trust me, it’d be an extremely short lived relationship. Narcissists and misanthropes need not apply here.
5. Understands personal hygiene.
This is a must. I don’t care much about looks, but any person who wants to potentially date or sex me has to be a clean one. I can understand and tolerate garlic or coffee breath if you had it recently, and if you’ve been working outside all day I don’t expect anyone to smell like a field of wildflowers. But stale sweat? Oily hair? Unchecked plaque? Dandruff everywhere? Nope, not going to happen. Hypothetical boyfriend-dude doesn’t have to look like Sean Connery as 007, or have the charisma of Erroll Flynn, but he does have to care about his hygiene.
6. Things I don’t budge on.
STDs = no.
Smoking = no.
Drug use = no.
Alcoholic = no.
Sexist/racist/ableist = no.
Super religious = no.
Abusive/controlling/hypocritical = no.
Well, that is pretty much it. That’s basically my list, and I don’t think I missed anything. Everyone has personality flaws, including me, and so long as you’re a decent human being, we can work through them together, or just accept them if they’re not harmful. Height doesn’t matter. Ethnicity doesn’t matter. Weight doesn’t matter unless it’s an actual health/hygiene issue. I don’t care how much or how little money guys make, mostly because I have my own job. I’d like him to know how to do things like drive and swim, but it’s not a prerequisite. Physical and mental disabilities/issues don’t scare me, so long as there’s full disclosure about what they are. I’d be happy if his libido matched mine and he took initiative some of the time, but it’s hardly a necessity. Penis size doesn’t matter either, but I’d prefer a small to average one over a porn star sized one…ouch!
What do you think? Did I neglect anything?
Related Posts
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/in-praise-of-the-penis/
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/02/26/letting-men-down-easy/
https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/gender-dysphoria-and-sex/
Tarnished Sophia 
Your needs and standards are all your own. I’m for all except #2…lol. I’m not a nature person.
Sounds good to me.
I remember making lists when I was younger and I’m not sure I ever used them. And then I met someone who redefined what I wanted down to three things: someone I’m attracted to, someone who wants to engage in personal evolution together, someone who wants to make a difference in the world.
Of course, things like being non-abusive and nonalcoholic were in the back of my mind.
LOL So happy to hear you are considering a FwB relationship with me, we’ve never even met in person or exchanged photos. I must just be so sexy that you can tell from hundreds of miles away.
*giggle*
@sexandthecincy
That’s alright…not everyone is. We need Glasswalkers, too. 😉 (Werewolf RPG joke…)
@BroadBlogs
Lists can and do change from time to time, but this particular one is probably one that has stayed stable longest. For me, anyway. Now my “Job List” growing up? Lol…that changed about every other year. First I wanted to be an archeologist, then a veterinarian, then a doctor, then a marine biologist, a cryptozoologist, a theologian, a teacher, a curator for the Museum of Natural History…how I finally decided on something like running a small business is beyond me!
🙂
@GNL
Yes, that is it. You got me… 😉
Hmm, if you’re giggling, does that mean I get to be the dude? *strikes uber-manly Superman pose*
I think you pretty much covered all your bases 🙂 Yes, Humor, Honesty, Hygiene are very important.
@KG
Thanks!
Hygiene yes, humor, yes!
It’s interesting….a few men have responded, when I say humor is important, that women only find men they’re attracted to funny. As support for this theory, they say that only women who are attracted to them laugh at their jokes.
Think they’ve mix cause and effect. They aren’t actually funny. But unfortunately humor is kind of innate, like intellect….unlike hygiene.
@Liz
Yeah, some people mix up correlation and causation. A lot.
I remember a post by one manospherian blogger (can’t recall the name) who essentially tried to link a woman’s enjoyment of “funny” men to the omnipresent concept of “female solipsism”…namely, that women were only attracted to “funny” men because it gave them a form of personal entertainment.
Umm, no. Some women like guys with a sense of humor because they *also* have a sense of humor. If you are a man/woman who enjoys the comedic aspects of life, you don’t want to date someone who is dour or overly serious. Simple as that.
I actually like sociopathic girls. They are kind of on the masculine side
and extroverted, while I am on the feminine side and intraverted. It’s
the yin/yang princliple.
The only problem is they bore easy, and sooner or later want to latch on to
psychopathic guys. That’s how you get serial killer teams. I wouldn’t care about
the person’s prior history. Why should I care about another person’s past when
I have NO PAST. I detest smoking as well.
Just an aside: Why do women make disparaging comments about other
women’s appearences, just on the basis that they don’t like their behavior?
Casey Anthony is called a “skank” (Which might be true) but she is also
called ugly and a “horseface” when she is plainly not, (As can be seen from
recently released photographs.) Is appearence so important to women that
attacks on it are thought to be the ultimate vulnerability?
BTW, that “skank” (Casey) is very soon to be very wealthy. As soon as a few
lawsuits are put behind her, she is going to be the subject of a pay for view
program that is going to rake in millions (See “Casey’s Ghost” by Rick Namey.)
@Lon
I’ve known people of both sexes that have sociopathic tendencies, and don’t care for any of them. They are too narcissistic and generally have too much disregard for others pain/feelings.
You can be a masculine female without being a sociopath (aka someone like me), and you can be extroverted without being an attention whore/narcissist (aka someone like my FwB). Desirable personality traits don’t necessarily have to be tempered with undesirable ones…
Oh Lon, you do have a past and a future. It may seem dull or mundane at times, but at least you’re still alive. Being alive means having the chance, however slim, to change your life. You mentioned before that you know you have issues with social skills and potentially have a friend who can help with that. See? Possibilities for positive change!
I think that both men and women see a female’s looks as one of the main “cores” of her identity…I’m not saying men don’t care about how they look, but society doesn’t put as much emphasis on men being sexy as it does on men being wealthy. Caricature wise, men are wallets women are tits and ass.
It never took with me because I value personality more than looks, but one of the main ways men and women attempt to put down a woman they do not like is to make comments about her physical appearance. I recall having an otherwise civil argument with a guy on a videogame forum until he looked at my profile and saw I was a female…then instead of debating my argument’s points, he switched to insinuating I was fat (nope), ugly (nope), short haired (nope, also why does this matter?), and a immodestly dressed slut (nope and nope). All this, despite the fact I had a frickin avatar of Nightcrawler and had never mentioned my sex, ever. He felt he couldn’t win against my talking points, so he attacked what he thought would “hurt” me more…my looks.
Eh, it is what it is. I suppose I could’ve done the same right back to him by insinuating he had a small penis or undescended balls…but that would be cruel to guys who actually have those. I wouldn’t want to hurt a passerby’s self esteem because something they have no control over. Besides, small penises are probably fun to pleasure, too.
“Umm, no. Some women like guys with a sense of humor because they *also* have a sense of humor. If you are a man/woman who enjoys the comedic aspects of life, you don’t want to date someone who is dour or overly serious. Simple as that.”
Agreed. Humor is a huge part of life at my house.
I can’t imagine how people get by without it. It would be a very dour, unpleasant existence. Which….a lot of people have, unfortunately. 😦
I know, right? I’m all for being serious when the situation calls for it, but humor is almost a requirement to get through life.
Maybe your list has stayed stable on relationships because it’s fundamentally a good one.
Thank you, BroadBlogs. I like to think it is, and that it’s not overly demanding of others. People shouldn’t look for a 100% perfect mate…they’ll never find one!
Did you ever hear the song “It’s Too Late,” by Carole King?
That’s my situation: “Something inside has died, and I can’t hide, and I just
can’t fake it.” That’s my situation. Actually, that’s been my situation for years.
But I do believe there is a great deal of self pity tied in with this “icel business.”
It’s always someone else’s fault. I believe that happiness is now are never.
If people wait until the circumstances are “just right,” they will never be happy.
They think you are insensative when you tell them this: That there is a True
and False self, and (providing you know where your next meal is coming from.)
all problems stem from the false self (ego).
Both the problem AND the solution are INSIDE jobs. The outside plays on
role at all unless you’re two seconds away from death.
Duplicity is a frequent component of early relationships. The best face is worn, the best foot put forward, and the best behavior is observed.
Once the false person feels comfortable, and/or in control of the relationship, the real face, foot, and behavior emerge from the shadows. The deceived one gets to make a bad choice, neither option of which is beneficial except as experience to never repeat it.
Due to such situations, I have evolved into a person who doesn’t bestow trust until it is earned. Each person must be tested before being accepted into a relationship in order to out the deceivers. The life and happiness you save WILL be your own.
The more scars one bears, the longer one takes to bestow this trusting acceptance. This is in itself a test, for if one isn’t honest to one’s perceived appearance, one’s impatience will eventually serve to expose. The necessary course of action is then clear.
While it is usually a typical occurrence for men and women to want to make a good first impression, I don’t necessarily believe duplicity is required. I may watch my jokes until I can feel out the other person’s tastes, but I don’t try to hide my sense of humor. I may be more polite, but I’m not any more kind or less goofy than I would normally be.
It’s pretty disingenuous to conceal that much of yourself…not to mention your personality will come out eventually.
Social courtesy isn’t the same as duplicity.
People are different with those close to them than they are with people they don’t know well. And they respond differently, depending on how well they know a person.
A joke (like you note, Sophia) can fall flat on the wrong company…or if there’s no context. In close and/or intimate company, subtlety is better understood.
Appearance, too, is part of social courtesy. I dress differently depending on the place and audience…I generally err on the side of less casual with less casual company. Close friends see me in my lounging pants.
Your words are true, Liz. However, I believe Blurkel is going beyond the concept of social decorum into the fact that there are people, men and women alike, who take pains to actively hide a significant portion of their personality.
Perhaps less of a “being super polite around the in-laws” and more of a “concealing one’s narcissism in order to get a good husband/wife”.
@Tarnished
You are close enough to what I intended to count. It was my sad experience to know a person’s falsity more than once, including being prodded into taking a girl to a party to show her boyfriend that he could be replaced. I ended up leaving the party after she asked me if it was OK if someone else took her home.
That was the last date I ever had, and why I’ll never date again.
Geez, what a bitchy thing to do. Sounds like her ex-boyfriend dodged a bullet, as did you.
Now, I recall from your answers in my MGTOW survey that you are/were married. How did you meet your wife, if not through dating? Or was this simply the last manipulative date you went on?
Also, does this mean you don’t ever want to date again, or just not in North America?
I was going to save this for the open thread, but I experienced this with my wife. She became a very different person once the honeymoon ended, and that wasn’t the woman I married. Sex went from three times a week to once a month “if she felt like it”.
The obsession with controlling every aspect of our relationship also emerged, with a great deal of pressure to change careers right as I was getting somewhere as a professional musician so that “I’d be home at night”. I put up with it because I wasn’t good with intergender interaction and had no self-esteem to work it out. I can even tell you the day, date, and time when I knew staying in this relationship wasn’t a good idea. Yet stay I did, because I did without for so long that I didn’t believe I could find someone else.
It took a lot of years, and a lot of therapy (professional and otherwise), before I could see that life wasn’t something I only got to watch from the sidelines.
@Tarnished
Our last comments crossed in the mail, so this is my reply to yours at 1107pm:
I met my wife through a friend who had just broken up with her. Her brother is a percussionist, and I was forming a band at the time. We just started hanging out together after rehearsals, and I eventually moved into her mother’s house as it was economically convenient while I was out of work. Proximity makes up for dating, and I guess I got too close to the situation to see it clearly. I couldn’t find it in me to say no when she pushed for something, and a ring was one thing she desperately wanted.
So she wasn’t the last manipulative date. I hadn’t dated for years after the party incident, and thrice-weekly sex was like being the kid in the candy store, at least until the door got locked. There is much I would change about my past, and this is but one of the experiences I’d do differently now that I know better.
As for dating in the US, that is still off the table. I have only ever briefly been to Canada and Tijuana, so I have no experience to determine what my international course of action would be, but I doubt I’d date there if I ever got the chance. I’m SO turned off with the intended purpose of dating that I can’t see doing it anywhere.
Why enter the race if you don’t care about the prize?
Thanks, that makes much more sense now.
You say you are turned off by the intended purpose of dating…what do you think the purpose is? I know a good many people my age and older (30+) think much more seriously about dating, but maybe if you found a 19-25 year old who is just looking for fun, rather than finding a mate?
Societal standards expect that dating leads to marriage. Marriage is the strong arm of the law keeping one partner in control of the other. I thus have more respect for those who choose to stay together without benefit of clergy than I do those who have to have a marriage license and a ring “to do what comes natcheral”.
BtB: I doubt very much that there are many 19-25 year-old women interested in someone who is their grandfather’s age. I find that I get some interest from those who are 40 ish and up, even if I’m not pursuing the opportunities.
I do too, but you *do* know that societal standards aren’t good for every citizen…
Hmm, that depends. For example, I found Sean Connery sexy as hell up until he started letting himself go recently. If you play the role of the “older distinguished gentleman”, I think you could get a cute lady who is appreciative of such a man.
When I was young, there was much I didn’t know. There are times I wish it was possible to go back to my salad days and make different choices.
There is an elderly Japanese man who plays that role in their porn industry. I’m hoping he decides to retire and let me have a chance!
Hi Tarnished. I am wondering if you might read this and tell me what you think http://thatincelblogger.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/the-story-of-your-incel-an-inconvenient-truth/
@ThatIncel
Yes, I can do this. I’m working for most of today, but should be able to look at it tonight.
Thanks !
Not a problem, dearheart.