I followed a link from another blogger and found a very interesting blog that seems to be about male-female relationships. After reading the linked-to post, I immediately started to write a comment about the issues I saw missing from it. Since it grew to a rather obnoxious length for a mere comment, I have decided to make it a post unto itself. I have put his words in bold, my own are in regular font for ease of reading.
Be aware that this post talks incredibly frankly about certain aspects of my sex life. Please don’t read if you could potentially be upset by such things. I promise I won’t be offended. 😉
It is staggering the number of females in a longterm heterosexual marriage or relationship who tell me they rarely orgasm unless they do it themselves.
I understand the fact that women need to feel safe during sex…a decent number of men do too. When done as a bonding experience in a long term relationship (LTR), both sexes are known to open themselves up emotionally in ways you never see outside of the bedroom. But if you do not feel safe in a LTR, especially one that’s over a year old, then I have to wonder why you’re still in it. After dating someone for 365 days, I’d think you’d have spent enough time together to determine if you will ever be truly relaxed and comfortable around them.
I also am tempted to reverse the line above and ask how many men orgasm unless they “do it themselves”. I’ve many male readers, friends, and even classmates who have, at various times, openly admitted that their female partners do very little during sex. There’s either a lack of movement or enthusiasm in general, or a staunch unwillingness to try a new position, oral sex is asked for but is not reciprocated, anal is completely out of the question, etc. I recall one 20-something man in my college Human Sexuality course years ago who put it rather bluntly:
I actually don’t look forward to sex with my girlfriend anymore. We’ve been together for 3 years, and each time we have sex I feel like a rat in a maze. I have to undress her…she never undresses me. I have to perform oral on her, which I love to do…but I’m rarely given it in return because she thinks penises are dirty. We only ever do missionary position or sometimes her on top…every other position is ‘frivolous’ or ‘degrading’. I could handle all that but what I hate is that I go through all this work to make sure she is wet, is relaxed, and has orgasmed by my hand/mouth at least 3 times before I get in…yet I’m expected to be satisfied with only 8 minutes of thrusting? She makes no movement when I’m in her, just lays there. She doesn’t play with my body…I don’t get any caresses whatsoever. I’ve tried asking her to get more enthusiastic, or just touch me more, but she says I’m being needy. I love making her cum, and I’m not trying to sound like a selfish douche who just wants to get his own orgasm. But I don’t know…It’s like, why is sex so focused on the female orgasm and men are expected to just be happy with the bare minimum?*
Herein lies what I believe is the biggest miscommunication in male-female sexual relations: The idea that men are simple when it comes to sex, and they are only interested in getting their rocks off. Some men may be like this, but anyone who is either a man himself or has spent more than 10 minutes being a true friend to a boy or man knows that this is not the case for the majority. Boys in high school frequently brag about how many orgasms they’ve given their girlfriends. A young man who is clueless about how to please his partner is ridiculed almost mercilessly by his friends. If word gets around via a former girlfriend that he’s terrible at sex, the blow to his ego is close to nuclear. Yes, most men are brought up nowadays to believe their performance is “scored” almost completely on how much they were able to please their woman.
Which honestly wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if the same held true for the opposite sex. But despite the women’s magazines that promise “200 Mind Blowing Sex Moves” or “How to Please like a Porn Star”, women’s sexuality has still remained more of a matter of simply showing up, not necessarily of actively participating. I can honestly say, from many years spent in girl’s gym locker rooms, that there is a pervasive belief that her mere presence should be enough to get his blood flowing. This is almost certainly a viable option at ages 16-20, when hormones are the ruling elite of the body. But at 25? 32? 49? Much like how the typical person’s food choices go from Big Macs, cold pizza, and Budweiser to chicken cordon bleu, Caesar salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing, and a fine Merlot…tastes change and get more refined as they age. Women with older partners cannot rely on simply being there, they actually need to show that they want to be with their men in a sexual way.
Someone did a study wherein they timed the average length of time it took a woman in pornography to display signs of intense pleasure. The average was somewhere around eleven seconds. I’m sorry but you simply aren’t that good.
And here’s yet another reason why I must admit that I don’t feel like a member of the female sex. I watch porn, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I own some favorite DVDs, and I have some particularly good sites bookmarked on my phone (since I don’t have a computer or landline internet). Yes, most of the time the actress is acting like the cosmos are moving when the actor has only just started to touch her. Eleven seconds is unrealistic…but in my personal experience, not by that much.
Last year I was actually pretty curious about my own “times” so I repositioned my clock from my kitchen to my bedroom. From the time we started making out to the time I had an orgasm through breast-play, it was approximately 3 minutes. Him going down on me: 1 minute and again at almost 4 minutes. Me using a vibrator as I go down on him: 1 minute. And the final, PiV portion? I came 3 times, starting at the 25 second mark.
This wasn’t a weird occurrence…this is fairly typical. Actually, I only orgasmed 8 times during this session, but I blame the fact I was remembering to watch the clock and not just “forgetting” about everything else like I usually do. My average is about 10. I don’t write this to claim superiority over other women. Quite the opposite; I feel very guilty and sad that I can orgasm so easily when 2/3 of American women have sexual dysfunctions. But given my own experiences is it any wonder that I can’t relate to this problem?
Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship can tell you that sexual gymnastics settle down after a few years. Infatuation with the opposite sex drops a shocking 80% in that same time. Add kids or communication problems, weariness or stress, and it is going to take a lot longer than eleven seconds before a woman is even going to relax enough to allow the experience to blossom.
As for the ‘sexual gymnastics’ settling down after a few years…what? I’ve been with my lover for 8 years at this point. We are “only” friends with benefits, and we usually have sex once, maybe twice a week due to conflicting schedules, but as we have been together our repertoire of experiences has grown, not shrunk! We didn’t even start getting into bdsm until about year 4, and it’s only recently we’ve been talking about having a threesome. No, we aren’t bored with each other, but as you become more and more relaxed you can safely talk about various fantasies you’ve both had and ways to stretch your boundaries (consensually for all involved, for those who need the obvious to be stated).
This part just seems contradictory: Women need to feel safe to let go during sex. Okay, I’m on board with that. But then we’re told that somehow infatuation with one’s partner drops 80% after a few years. How can this be? If a woman generally feels safer the longer a partner stays loyal to her, why wouldn’t the sex increase? I readily admit that my FwB and I have no kids, we don’t live together, and we are excellent at communicating in and out of the bedroom, so none of the aforementioned problems hinder our activities. If one of us is stressed or “weary”, then we do something softer, like erotic massage or prolonged lovemaking. But never once has he offered sex that I’ve declined, and he has only declined 5 times in 8 years (he’s 15 years older than me, so I understand).
But yeah…please explain this weird contradiction.
Negotiating the female pleasure system can be daunting for men. We have no real teachers and frankly your plumbing can be confusing to the uninitiated. A surprising percentage of men do not know exactly how women pee and where it comes from, precisely. Add to this the confusion we sometimes feel about the female sexual-desire timeline, the way that women seem to behave differently in different circumstances (and we don’t know why), and your seemingly complex thought processes and beliefs about when and why sex is appropriate, and the result is a confused bunch of dudes who have no idea what they are doing. Again, we’re still trying to figure out your plumbing.
Unless he had the absolute worst Health class with an abstinence-only teacher and frequently fell asleep during said class, I honestly have no frickin clue how a teenage boy doesn’t know the same basic amount about the female body as an average teenage girl. Some of our “plumbing” may be more interior than that of the male, but it’s not a Rubik’s Cube.
We have a urethra for urination just like men. It’s a small hole located below the clitoris, which is at the top of our labia. The vaginal entrance is between the urethra and anus, and in some women the area about 2-3 inches in is highly sensitive to pressure and caressing aka the G-spot. If your female partner has a good G-spot, like myself, she will probably be able to orgasm from PiV sex. If not, she will probably have to rely on clitoral stimulation. See here for more information: https://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/happy-international-clitoris-week/
There, that wasn’t so hard. One thing that I will say I don’t like about some of my fellow Wiccans/Pagans (or just random “new age” types that I’m not associated with) is the propensity to hop on the bandwagon of re-mystifying the female body. Look, I get that some women like to talk to other women about female matters, even if I don’t. I think it’s awesome that girls are being raised knowing that having a period doesn’t make them “unclean”, and that masturbation is a healthy, womanly activity, too. I hope that by the time I die, no girls feel like they need labiaplasty or breast augmentations to be a “real” woman.
But for the Gods’ sake, stop trying to create a sense of “mystery” about the Divine Feminine and the female body. I love my faith, but it must be acknowledged that this is an age of reason we live in (or should be). We can talk about the awesomeness of the human body of both sexes without the need for mystical terms or trying to pretend one’s genitals are special. It’s just going to result in more of the same “lady parts are confusing” BS that our society really shouldn’t have to worry about in 2014.
As for “timelines” or “the beliefs about when and why sex is appropriate”…Um, that I have no ideas on. Frankly, I don’t know what the author is referring to. I’m rather of the opinion that if both adult people want to have sex, then they should. I didn’t realize that there’s a negotiation process or that star charts had to be consulted. I kid, of course, but that is what it reminds me of. If any of my readers want to share their knowledge on this, please do.
And, as always, comments and thoughts are appreciated below.
*For those who are wondering, part of this was said in class and part was said to me personally as we walked to our cars. I have taken the slang terms for body parts out and condensed the conversation a bit, but otherwise this is what my classmate said, as much word for word as I can recall, which is pretty damn close since I (sometimes unfortunately) have a fantastic memory.
Edit to add: As of today, there is an excellent post up on Private Man’s blog related to this topic. I highly recommend perusing it as well as the numerous links he has compiled.