Anyone Else Have To Deal With Relatives

…who only see you during the holidays and consistently ask if you have a significant other yet? Funny how they never ask in a casual manner, it’s always with a subtle side of judgment and slight disdain for your constant singlehood. They act as though your true value can only be in the confines of a marriage or at least an exclusive/committed relationship, rather than having value as an individual.

How do my fellow single people deal with this?

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39 thoughts on “Anyone Else Have To Deal With Relatives

  1. Say something akin to, “Been married, didn’t like it, never again”

    Works like mofo. If I’d never been married, I’d be tempted to use the line anyway.

    If asked why you got divorced…”She turned into her mother” suffices like gangbusters. The only blowback I ever got from using that line was when I said it to a woman who was taking a drink of water…I got soaked and she started choking with laughter. But, hey, that’s like an everyday thing for me.

  2. Few people have as toxic an extended family relationship structure as I have.

    Just last Friday, my 85-year-old mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She is likely only going to last a few weeks, then all hell will break loose.

    She founded a modestly successful business which at first kept her in the economic class she’d long aspired to belong to. It got lucrative enough for the greed of my siblings to emerge, and the contest over control of that business erupted. My mother foolishly allowed this contest to begin against my advice, as it brought all of her kids (except me) to her with new requests for a piece of the largess. She could play the grande dame matriarch, dispensing gifts of $3000 a month for private school educations to one set of grandkids while ignoring an equal share to the others. And so on.

    Eventually, one of my brothers got control of the business, and took her for hundreds of thousands of dollars. But even this wasn’t enough for him, leading him to expand his criminality into the public sector, which earned him an extended stay at a medium-security federal penitentiary.

    That was the end of the gravy train, but only one other brother and I know this. The rest accuse us of taking all that money, which they are certain still comes in every month. If that were true, I wouldn’t be paying mom’s taxes every year for the past 15 years.

    What remains of this business is barely enough to provide for my one brother and his wife. I expect to get nothing from it once probate is settled. But there will be lawsuits from the other siblings attempting to discover where all the money went. It will prove to be a hard lesson for them to accept that their own jailbird brother took the bulk of it, and what else there was went into bad investments which lost large sums. It didn’t come to me, nor to the brother to whom what remains will go.

    And when this lesson is finally learned, I will have nothing to do with any of them ever again. I have had more than enough of their BS to last me several lifetimes.

  3. I get this question multiple times, by multiple people on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and July 4th. I’ve become accustomed to it so much that I have one standard answer: I haven’t found anyone as good as me yet. πŸ™‚ However, on the off chance I’m feeling super sarcastic, I’ll sometimes go with…My pimp says he loves me…that one doesn’t get any laughs though, just awkward stares. Ahhh relatives…how unfortunate it is that we can’t choose them.

  4. I’ve been hearing about this subject a lot lately. And now that I think about it, I’m realizing that I’ve never been asked this question by anyone in my family – immediate or extended. Hmm. Now I’m starting to wonder why that is…?

  5. My brother was asked by my grandpa, but I think my grandpa didn’t ask out of an ulterior motive. Most of the cousins who are 1-10 years older than me are married and most have kids. Sometimes I feel like a male version of a spinster around them, but I really do not give a damn what society dictates as “normal”. I would much rather find someone gradually who I am mutually compatible and have great chemistry with, than to try to keep up with the Joneses.

  6. “Now I’m starting to wonder why that is…?”

    Look not closely at the dentition of a donated equine. You won’t like what you discover!

  7. “I would much rather find someone gradually who I am mutually compatible and have great chemistry with, than to try to keep up with the Joneses.”

    You speak wisely, Grasshopper!

  8. Nobody even bothers to ask me that question anymore. They knew it was
    irrelevant to ask me that question decades ago.
    I looked up the birth date June 20th 1984 in a book titled “Sunshines: The Astrology Of
    Being Happy,” by Michael Lutin. June 20th 1984 is interested in Marriage and Religion.
    Questions about these two topics will be on the minds of June 20th 1984.

  9. Trust me, the questions don’t stop with marriage, they just change. I barely got my vows out before family and random people we met at the mall were all asking when we were gonna have kids. Then its when are you gonna have another? Annoying family will still be annoying. But the pimp response is awesome!

  10. I’m going to try that pimp response next time someone brings it up.

    “Do you have a girlfriend?”
    “Yes, she’s my pimp.”

  11. Brother Blurkel, as I said on SpawnySpace, I missed knowing this (your mum situation) until now.

    “And when this lesson is finally learned, I will have nothing to do with any of them ever again. I have had more than enough of their BS to last me several lifetimes.”

    I do hope you mean this, Brother B. You have been taken for granted for most of an average adult lifespan. It can become a habit. You deserve better. You’re worth it mate. I say you’re worth, you better believe you’re worth it, okay? Flatter my ego, prove me right, do it for me, whatever. “Have nothing to do with any of them ever again.” Just do it.

  12. @Cill

    As Yoda might say about them, “Dark Side strong in them”, so there is plenty of incentive to comply with your request.

    As this is an ongoing situation at the moment, it will have to play out before I can complete the process. I have every intention of doing as you suggest as time passes.

  13. I’ll do what I can, Cill, but I can’t accelerate the death process. Nations have laws regarding that kind of action even when death is inevitable anyway, or so Dr. Kevorkian discovered the hard way.

  14. You’re in luck, Cill. I stumbled across something I think you’ll appreciate. I’ll try to get it online this weekend.

  15. On the topic, all my blood relatives know I’m a MGHOW, and don’t ask. Some of my in-laws have asked me questions such as “anything new in the romantic department?” My answer is, I’m thinking of tying the knot with Dog (my big, rangy, lonesome canine cobber). Confronted by the imagery evoked by Dog and Knot, they tend to avoid the subject thereafter πŸ˜‰

  16. In a strange new turn of events, my mother (who previously claimed to not be bothered by my continued unmarried status) actually broke down crying last week when I was over for dinner.
    Apparently she considers herself a failure for “making me afraid of men and relationships” by not protecting me while I was younger. No amount of consolation or insistence on my part served to get her to realize that I simply relish *freedom*.

  17. True.
    It was just a shock to learn that her professed denial of caring that I’m 30 and unmarried was actually the opposite. Prior to this situation, I thought she was the only parent who accepted my singlehood…and now I learn that it upsets her as well.

    Society really needs to stop shoving this idea of Unmarried = Unhappy/Unfulfilled down everyone’s throat.

  18. Guilt might make anything unusual about you (in her eyes) upsetting. Might your singlehood (the topic of it) have been a trigger for her guilt?

    “Unmarried” can be a deliberate life choice that some people make. We make it for a wide variety of reasons. It presents us with a map that we can charter without the weight of responsibility that traditionally shackled a man. And as I think you know by now, I believe that in talking to you I am talking to a man.

  19. Cill,

    It already does.
    She assumes that my “tomboy” tendencies and lack of a serious relationship is purely indicative of the abuse. (None of my family members know I’m gender dysphoric, they all just think I’m strange.) She refuses to accept that I’m happy being free and having masculine values. What pisses me off is the fact she’s been lying about not caring this entire time.

    Her tradcon beliefs are showing again, especially after her divorce from my bastard stepfather. She’s of the opinion that a woman is not meant to be on her own, and really needs a man to care for her and be there for her to lean on. Yet here she is, 49 years old, divorced, and in a condo with 2 of my siblings still living with her. I feel bad about this, because sometimes I think I should’ve just kept my mouth shut about what he was doing for another few months and just moved out earlier. Then they’d still be together, I’d be free and safe, and my mother/siblings wouldn’t have been any wiser. Hindsight is 20/20.

    And yes, I do realize that you think of me as my gender rather than sex, so thank you Cill. You don’t know how much that means to me.

    Heh…there’s a reason I like talking to and being around MGTOWs. None of you treat me like men typically treat a woman.

  20. I wonder if your mother’s apparent change of face might be due to the difference between your decision to be single on the one hand, and your single status on the other.

    Perhaps:
    – She supports the former while disliking the latter.
    – She showed lack of concern for your single status because she couldn’t disagree with the decision you made.
    – She holds herself responsible for leaving you not so much a decision as only one option.

    If so, her position is not so much dishonest as conflicted.

    I regard you as a gay male of about my own age. I find this easy to deal with, as I have several gay friends, a few of whom are close friends. When I regarded you as a woman, I was never quite “at home” with it. Things kept panning out in unexpected ways, which I now realize were male ways. It makes much better sense, for me at least, to take you at your word and treat you as a fellow male.

  21. Cill,

    Thank you again, my friend. You’re probably correct about my mother…I don’t want her to be upset, so I’ve not mentioned anything related to being single since then.

    Due to our email conversations in the past 2 weeks, I’ve been going through some of my older posts rereading your comments. It’s amazing how much of a turnaround they are. πŸ™‚

  22. A turnaround in what way? It could be a number of things. I’m curious to know, unless you think it’s too personal to talk about here.

  23. I think it’s safe. Just a note on how one’s anger/frustration can be…overcome?…when one is actually listened to instead of brushed off. I’m no psychologist (or even psycholologist), but I truly think that many mgtows/mras aren’t bitter or misogynistic. They are just fed up with not being listened to or taken seriously.

    Hearing “man up” all the time is a sure fire way to prevent a guy from knowing that his mental/emotional state actually counts for something.

  24. Black Pill

    I have seen LOTS of psychologists in my time, and none of them had much of a clue. We never got around to their politics before I left them behind to deal with my issues without their confusion muddying things. So if incompetence be politics to you, so be it.

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