Validation – Who Needs It?

Too excellent a question to not reblog.
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Spawny's Space

A recent comment exchange here with Tarn led to the question: “Who needs validation”?  It was suggested that women do need it; and that some build their entire lives around it (e.g. Facebook).  But what about men?  How much do they need it? What exactly is validation and what is its purpose?    It would seem that validation is social reward(s) (note that they are cheap to produce and distribute) that a group gives to its members for whatever reason.  It used to be that society as a group socially rewarded members that contributed to the society.   This is not quite the same thing as respect.  Respect is an attitude, validation is a reward.

In my personal case, being an INTX, I grew up more or less disliked by my schoolmates.  Part of it had to do with the ability of INTs to see right through people.  Even…

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21 thoughts on “Validation – Who Needs It?

  1. Dear Tarnished,
    I apologise for my statements of the other day. I didn’t mean to pry.
    Everyday you DO revel new facts about your personality that I should be attentive to.
    Like your desire to become more “manlike,” up to a point.
    I just thought it would be more helpful for you to have someone in close proxcimity
    24/7, to interact with in case “emergencies” (Physical OR emotional) occur.
    You are a “TRUE BELIEVER” in your way of life-at least at this stage. But remember,
    the only thing that NEVER stops changing is CHANGE itself. The world might look
    different to you, 30 years down the road, if you hopefully live that long.
    BTW, I recieved an E-mail from a woman named Jean Hanor. She is an expert on
    Chinese face reading. She also does readings about years of birth. Yesterday, on her
    blog, she listed a series of years, and the character traits of people born in those years.
    1984 was one year listed. She said that people born in those years are empahic,
    helpful people-very self sacrificing. They can spread themselves to thin. (Like working
    12 hour days?) I tabbed you an Ennagram 2, and this only reinforces it. She
    recommends that such people delegate authourity. You may have no present desire
    to be a mom, but you are one in a sense. My song for you would be,
    “I Honestly Love You,” by Olivia Newton John.” (1974)

  2. Dear Tarnished:
    Did you say on another blog site that your age was 29? I was under the impression
    that you were born on June 20th 1984.
    Your birth date is no matter of insignifance to me! Knowing this information is about as
    close as I can ever get to you. I only wish I knew more, like location and time of your
    birth. The matter of the year is of up most importance. So please tell me, is June 20th
    1984 correct?

  3. Two more songs Tarnished that I think are applicable to to you:
    With respect to your first time: “Yes, I’m Ready,” Teri Desavio with K.C.
    And with respect to what you offer to another person: “The Wonder Of You,” by Elvis.
    This is particularly accable to your June 20th birthday.
    If you Google “The Secret Language Of Birthdays,” you can put anyone’s birthday in
    for a quick analysis.

  4. Dear Tarnished,
    I finally think I understand your reservations about touch after reading the posting
    in Spawny’s blog the other day.
    The topic was intamcey and the blogger meantioned that a man’s way to intamcey
    was through sex, and a woman’s way to sex was through intamcey. (Touch.)
    You say that you feel more “male” then “female.” So it might be that like a man, sex
    comes first and intamatcey comes after.
    You recoil from touch, because it lead to abuse. Actual sex is EASIER then touch,
    which comes AFTERWARD, as it does with most men. Does that make sense?
    I’m glad you found someone you are compatable with, and laude your decision to
    remain “faithful to him.
    BTW, if you get the time, would you watch a movie called “Delancey Street: The
    Crisis Within,” (T.V. movie, 1975) ?

  5. I agree, Missattempts. Sex is much easier to enjoy than simple touch…though I do hope to learn to cuddle without panicking one day. So far, I can’t even stand it for more than a 2 or 3 minutes before I feel utterly claustrophobic and “trapped”.

    I’ll try to find that movie.

  6. One other thing: Do you think that your F.W.B. loves you? Are you satisfied that
    you understand the meaning of that word? If he DOES love you, why would he not
    want to live with you? Wouldn’t he want you close by? Or, is it you that don’t want to
    live with him, as a “legal safeguard?”
    You asked, “Why marriage?” If you are acquainted with the Bible, you know in the
    Garden Of Eden story, God said, “It is not right that a man should be alone. I will
    make him a helpmate.”
    That’s what a husband or wife is. A helpmate. If you live apart, how is he a helpmate?
    But you DID say you were a mechinically inclined person. You WOULD know how to
    handle a broken pipe, or a leaky faucet. Many women can’t.
    My own opinion is that today “love” is not a component of relationships. It’s not that a
    woman “pays” a man with sex for his house chores. If the couple REALLY LOVES
    each other, they wouldn’t want to be without each other. It would be a labor of LOVE.
    I hope you eventually read the book, “Sunshines,” The Astrology Of Happiness,” by
    Michael Lutin. Take it out of the library. If you look up your birth date, you will find out
    that you are a person taken up with the subject of marriage, even if you have no
    present intention to be married and have children.

  7. He says he does, and as of yet hasn’t done anything to dissuade me of his statements. He could be lying…it’s not as though I’ve a direct link to his mind. However, I’ve no evidence for this, whereas I do have evidence he at least cares about me even if it’s not love. Regardless, I love him…as romantic as the concept of “true love” might be, there’s no guarantee that it is a two way street.

    I am absolutely satisfied with my understanding of the word, and it’s corresponding emotion.

    He doesn’t want to live with me for the same reasons I don’t want to live with him: We each have our own lives. They intersect at times, but it’d be difficult to make them into the same line. We live 2 hours away from each other, with our own relatives, jobs, etc in our localities. Why should either of us have to move unless it somehow became 100% necessary?

    I am familiar with the Bible, as I was a Christian for most of my childhood, and most of my friends are Christians too. I do still own a Bible, as well as religious texts from other faiths. But remember Lon…I’m not a Christian anymore, nor have I been for almost 2 decades. I do not believe in the Garden of Eden, people being made out of dust and bones, or the idea of a deity specifically stating that we need helpmates.

    Yes, a couple should want to be together…but they need time apart as well. Too much codependency is unhealthy.

    I’ve read a few of the astrology books you’ve mentioned, but do not believe in New Age things. However, I recognize that you do and can appreciate that.

  8. I’ve never been interested in “manly’ things. I could care less about sports, and
    generally don’t take “sides,” about political, nationalistic, or alethic events.
    But one thing I am interested in is “Personality” studies. Today, we divide
    “scientific” data from supersititious things.
    When it comes to immaterial things, I don’t know how a distinction can be made
    between science and superstitution. Love or hate can’t be established scientifically.
    It’s like trying to bisect a sneeze.
    You have lovable traits. You go the extra mile for people. But suppose , one day,
    Heaven forbid, you contracted a sickness or injury that affected your brain? These
    “traits” might change. People who were sure they knew you, might be shocked. That
    is an example of a scientific cause of behavior: The brain would affect the mind.
    But why are you the way you are (And the way you hope to remain) NOW? There are
    physical causes of course, but there are varying reasons for temperment.
    There have been numerious personality gaging systems. Not all have been deemed
    “scientific.” My source of enjoyment is to uncover the accurate personality systems,
    whether they are “scientific” or not. Only what “works” should be the critera.
    With what little information you have provided, I have made a determination about you.
    I used Astrology, Numerology, and the basic “psychological” clues, you’ve revealed
    about yourself. My conclusion is that you are indeed, a blend of the male and female.
    This enabled you to survive the abuse. You can swing over to either side should the
    need araise. Techinical, and emotionally contained (Male) Empathic (Female)
    I just don’t know if the desire to be male preceeded the abuse or came after the abuse.
    You say the abuse began around age 9. This is often the age when “selective” abuse
    begins. The female body is sufficently developed that it can take in an adult male penis,
    without perminate damage. Many children in institutions are abused starting at 9.
    You might not be remembering when the desire to be male, first asserted itself.
    You needed the cool “male” compartmentalization and detachment to retain your sanity.
    The Astrological chart explains it all. Male: Gemini Sun. Female: Pisces Moon.
    Numerologically it also makes sense. Being born on the 20th of the mounth, you are
    influenced by the empathic number 2. That’s why you are a concerned caretaker.
    Every digit of your birth date adds to the number 3. There is a mind/body connection
    there as well. Psychologically, you are an Ennagram 2. You were made to be of service
    to people, because of the way you were raised. You learned responsibilites and skills
    that other’s in your family might not have learned. You were the oldest, and just by
    virtue of that heavy responsibilites were placed on you. You can be independant. You
    DO have survival skills, You don’t NEED a man. The F.W.B. realationship feeds
    your needs-NOW.
    My only dissagreement is that you say it will ALWAYS be this way. It may not always
    be. You may discover real love one day, even if this IS a cynical “scientific” age.

  9. You “leapfrogged” over LOVE, directly into the sex. With most other women it’s
    opposite. They recieve love first and gradually get to the sex.
    Thank God, you don’t have material lack. You only had lack of LOVE.
    Now that most of your material needs are filled, you can concentrate on real love
    needs. But it’s hard in this era, because things ARE so materialistic. (Hear the song
    “Material Girl, by Maddona.)
    And please, show some mercy to other women who are NOT as self reliant as you are!
    Some were never taught to be as mechinically inclined as you. It’s personality type again.
    Some women have no choice but to barter sex for love.

  10. The “activities” that Tarnished engaged in with her F.W.B. can never be “undone.”
    She has nothing at all to be ashamed of, but the sex has “married” them to each other,
    whether Tarnished admits it or not.
    Tarnished has revealed too many things about her “private” life that are not private
    any more. It is of questionable advisibility that Tarnished revealed these things, but
    none the less, they are known, and they are basis for criticsism directed at Tarnished.
    The “mannasphere” critises women who have lots of sex outside marriage (With many
    partners) Tarnished-to the best of my knowledge-has only had sex with her F.W.B.
    Therefore, Tarnished is technically “married” to her F.W.B. If they cohabitated, it
    would be called, “Common Law Marriage.” Perhaps Tarnished doesn’t want to legally
    endanger her F.W.B. so they live seperate. Tarnished has NOT cheated on her F.W.B.
    and that’s to be lauded, but the long term question to be asked, is who is duriving
    the REAL benefits?

  11. Both of us are enjoying the long and short term benefits.

    I’m certainly NOT married to my lover though, regardless of religion or law. Having sex with someone does in no way, shape, or form mean you are wed to them. You can’t really “cheat” in a friends with benefits arrangement, btw, unless you don’t let the other person know you’ve taken another partner. But yes, he is my only one.

  12. Tarnished, I had another “insight” about your personality last night. I have these
    revelations immeadiately upon awakening. I guess the mind is clear at such times
    because it is free from the prior day’s rememberances.
    You are a very “swift” person. Whether it is your great intellect, or you great work
    ethic, you are a QUICK STUDY. You even developed physically early.
    You are a Gemini. They are ruled by the planet Mercury. (Quicksilver) You”get” things
    very fast and you can be impatient with “slow pokes.” I imagine if you wanted to,
    you could have lived and worked in the acidemic enviornment for as long as you
    wanted. You also left home and became independant as soon as you could. I can
    only imagine where you’d be if the abuse hadn’t occurred.
    You were born in the Chinese year of the Wood Rat. So was my father (1924) The
    elements repeat themselves every 60 years. He is a Virgo, in Western Astrology.
    They are also ruled by Mercury. He is not the intellectual that you are because Virgo
    is an Earth sign and Gemini is an Air sign. But like you, he was singled out for abuse
    and was a very impatient thinker and nose-to-the-grindstone kind of person.
    He also trimupthed over his abusive home life financially, but he never really overcame
    the abuse itself. He became an O.C.D. guy, He was paranoid, and very critical and
    ABRASIVE, traits of a Virgo. To make matters worse, he had BOTH his Sun AND his
    Moon in Virgo. Remember when I told you, that the Sun is the mental part of the
    person, and the Moon is the emotional part of the person. He is a very difficult
    person to live with because such a person is bound to be dissapointed at least once
    a day, and they are not shy about letting you know about it. My late mother learned
    to hide a lot of things from him to avoid the shrill complaints and moderate on the
    arguments, but that rarely worked. Some people born in the Year Of The Rat are
    impossible to please. The “Rat drive” can take you far in the world and compensate
    for the abuse you underwent, but when working with us falible lamebrains, please
    realize that we are not as swift as you. Patience is a virtue.
    In any case, I think the “sex” part is a result of the abuse you underwent. Sexually
    abused girl’s are often promiscious. True, it’s with only one person and that’s a plus.
    But the question is, Could you give it up if you wanted too? Are you working on other
    forms of intamacey, like the cuddling and the hand holding?
    You say you’ll never get married. That’s how you feel in March 2015. You think
    you’re views are set in stone. Thirty to sixty is a long, long time.

  13. Tarnished, please listen to “For Once In My Life,” by Stevie Wonder.
    I bet it describes your life with your F.W.B.

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