A Question For My More Experienced Readers

Very odd question, and completely out of the blue:

Is online dating worth it or is it just a chance to read a bunch of thoughtless, syntax-lacking, grammar killing offers from other humans?

I’m just wondering, because my FwB told me after sex tonight that while he definitely still wants to continue our arrangement, he is going through some stuff that means he’s both;

A) not going to be around my area as frequently for a few months, and
B) may not always be in the mood for sex/may be too mentally stressed for physical intimacy when we do hang out.
To which I responded that it’s fine, I’ll just *ahem* take care of myself more and will still be there for him as a confidant and friend. Besides, guilting people into sex when they’re not feeling it is gross and immature.

But he says that he thinks I’m ready to have another FwB, even if it’s just on a temporary basis. I’m still kind of hesitant, but he made the point that I’m getting better at allowing typical touches with strangers/my customers (handshakes, hugs, people standing in my personal space) and that I should probably “graduate” to having sex with other people besides him. A part of me agrees, but another part is wondering just how the hell one does this dating thing. Other than 2 separate week-long and very uncomfortable attempts in high school, I’ve never done something like this.

Anyone know a site/dating group that has male or female disease free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together? Yeah right, like that exists. Do I just say “yes” to the next random guy (or gal) who asks me out, even though I know nothing about them? Should I save my money for a random college course like cooking or art and try to meet someone that way? I may just have to grow a pair and take the plunge into upping my number of sexual partners to 2 if I’m going to get my lover off my back about this…then again, self-loving is definitely an easy, viable option and one I’m excellent at. πŸ˜‰

So, any information or advice out there, readers?

72 thoughts on “A Question For My More Experienced Readers

  1. Sometimes I am very glad that I come from a place and time where there was no such a thing called dating. Its so confusing for me, even at this age.

  2. As an outsider to the comic / game world, I would have thought that you’d be beating men off with a stick on a regular basis (no innuendo intended there – much) – An attractive (as I understand it) woman deep in that society? Form an orderly queue guys. Getting a guy wouldn’t be hard, I wouldn’t have thought, but…the no commitment bit is likely to be an issue. These are (generally, I’d have thought) nice guys who will tend to want emotional connection too.
    (My apologies to any of the guys that might feel I slighted them, it was not intentional. Back in the day I was a paper and dice D&D’er, before computers stole my time (and soul)).
    Women don’t take cooking courses to meet men…men take cooking courses to meet women. Just saying.
    Look for guys in your religion? They’ll understand quite a lot of your views on life, I’d have thought. And be more likely to be vegetabletarians.
    Look for guys in your social world and work world (not employees though!)
    I find it hard to believe that you have to go hunting unless there is something lacking in the guys that you currently meet as far as compatibility goes? IF that’s true, that’s what you should address in your marketing campaign; how to set up a way to meet guys that do appeal, they are quite likely to do the rest. That’s a bit of a guess as I’ve never seen a picture or heard your voice, but I have confidence in my guess as I trust your objectivity in describing yourself.
    I wouldn’t mention the dysphoria up front, but make it plain that you aren’t anywhere near a girly-girl in attitude. You aren’t girly but you have great soul and integrity, I do hope you end up in an LTR, you would make an excellent loyal soulmate for some lucky guy not looking for kidznfamily or stockingzheelznlace.
    Just an opinion
    ‘take the plunge into upping my number of sexual partners’ is that really you talking? Doesn’t really sound like it to me. I understand that you like love rampant sex with your partner, but beyond that you seem quite a sensitive soul to me. I think that you should be true to yourself, you’re a good self.
    Take care of yourself, be lucky Tarn

  3. As a female bodied person this is easier for you. All of your options really boil down to “Do I just say “yes” to the next random guy (or gal) who asks me out,” If it’s online or a cooking class or a bar or just walking around the mall people will ask YOU. What is in your control isn’t if you know the person, but the setting in which you meet people. Saying Yes to a date, but not necessarily sex, is how you get to know potential partners.
    You do have another option. Be the aggressor. If you see someone that looks like fun, ask them out. Again you won’t know anything more about the person other than they are cute and in the mall/class/online. This option does put you at much greater risk for emotional hardship, but with a greater level of control.

  4. The only one in my family not to follow that path. But even though mine was love (ex) marriage, there wasn’t anyone else. It was just him all through. I can say that we might have dated for 8 years before getting married does that make sense?

  5. Spawny, you should read the bottom paragraph of my prior post…I do often have customers asking me out. And they are all, for the most part, the actual “nice guys” that I’m attracted to.

    You’re right on the money about the commitment issue though…many of them are hopeless romantics, and I’d be so very afraid of unintentionally hurting them. Most of them are around my age and want kids, marriage, a cute house with a picket fence…I don’t, and feel like I’d be wasting their time. Time they could theoretically be using to find a sweet lady who is after the same things. I am friendly, honest, witty, intelligent, caring, and would gladly buy them gifts…but commitment is never going to be on the table.

    Lol at the cooking courses.

    Not many “non-hippie” guys in my religion (at least in this area). I’d also be hard pressed to find a male Wiccan who doesn’t do marijuana…they seem to go hand in hand here, and I’m very much against any form of recreational substance use. *Apologies to some of my readers, but that’s just how I feel.*

    I’m very objective in describing myself, lol.
    “29 year old white/blonde/grey-eyed 5’6″ 150lbs, 36DD racked nice gamer female seeks equally nice older male virgin for a non-committed FwB arrangement where it will take a little while to reach the B part due to someone else’s stupidity.”
    Yeah…how the heck am I supposed to say I’m searching for a Friend with Benefits, when I know I won’t be able to give said benefits right away? They’re going to think I’m doing a bait n switch, and probably won’t believe me that I’ve only had 1 partner. Oh, and the fact that I’ll be out of my admittedly small comfort zone means my gender dysphoria is going to be in high gear…which will make me socially awkward, slightly clumsy, and honest to a fault which I hear is *not* what you want when making a good impression.

    Those were more the words of my lover, I’m surprised you noticed. He’s had 12 partners before me (always with protection so he’s clean), and I sometimes think he feels that I’m missing out on having lots of fun sex the way he did, especially since I could literally have sex with him everyday if it was possible. Which in a way I am…but I am also a pro at self-loving, and would gladly just masturbate twice a day to take care of my libido than to go through all this confusing stuff.

    Like I said, if I could find a virgin (no real chance of STDs) who knows what he wants to try and doesn’t mind a non-feminine partner who would (due to her own brokenness) slowly bring him into the world of sexuality…that would be ideal. But what are the odds of that kind of catch *not* confusing sex for love? I’m terrified of ruining someone. 😦

  6. Ah, I understand. I knew from your background that arranged marriage is still done. I had a Hindu friend in high school who was allowed to have female friends but not date because he was going to have an arranged marriage. Whatever works for others is cool with me.

    KG, just about everything you say makes sense! πŸ™‚

  7. Hi GNL.

    Actually, I’m thinking I’d prefer to be the aggressor. It’s emotionally tiring to let people down since I still try to be uber sympathetic to their feelings. It might hurt in a different way, but if I’m the one being rejected at least I don’t have to worry about that. I can handle my own emotional hardship far better than desperately attempting to ease someone else’s, even though I’m good at it.

  8. Might help me feel more masculine too, which would drastically cut down on my cognitive dissonance and thus my social ineptitude/awkwardness of remembering to act female. Though I guess I’ll have to remember not to sit like a guy…it might be off-putting to a new partner. Right?

  9. Can’t belive I’m about to say this. If you think you will be more comfortable being the aggressor, read up on some of the “Game” blogs and sites. While many of them have loads of rather sexist stuff, the fundamentals they speak about are sound concepts if you are the one doing the pursuing.

  10. I’ve read some of them already just being around the manosphere. Are you sure those concepts would work though? The majority are aimed towards Beta guys improving their Game to get hot, oft-pedestalized chicks…not down-to-earth females who want Beta guys.

    Also, if I meet an actual “nice guy” and we hit it off, won’t I be ruining his chances of learning what the majority of women are like? That’s a big part of what I’m afraid of.

  11. Really? Putting my ankle up on my knee while relaxing = sex right now? Huh, I thought it was just the way guys sit because, you know…testicles. *I* just sit that way because it’s how all my friends sat growing up. You learn from what you see, right? πŸ˜›

  12. I’d think about dropping the ‘virgin’ requirement and replacing it with ‘clean’, that should up your chances of joy. I get the impression that that’s your requirement (clean), not sure how that became virgin? I have no objection to you doing the beast with two backs with a virgin (I’m sure he’d be overjoyed too), I just think that you’re making it more difficult than required to find someone.
    Also, if you’re not wanting to commit, why not look younger? 29 seems a little young for the term ‘cougar’, but I’m sure that there are plenty of early-mid twenties guys that are clean (you might well get a virgin) and not looking for commitment either. They might well benefit from a physical woman with a mind that they can relate to who can spoon feed them enough red-pill for their finding of their next partner…
    “Those were more the words of my lover, I’m surprised you noticed”, not sure I’m catching your meaning (long day today), but I’m surprised that you’re surprised that I expressed surprise at you expressing those surprising sentiments about enthusiastically racking up N. Doesn’t sound at all like you to me, I can’t see you as a casual, sleep around type of person *shrug* chaque a son gout bebe (I don’t mind if you are), but I think you’ve more soul to you, more self value.
    As I said, my vision of you comes from some text exchanged on a screen, I could well be miles off (not for the first time).
    Be lucky, be safe

  13. “you know…testicles.” = requiring space.
    yep, also
    “you know…testicles.” = ventilation is good.
    I don’t understand those scandie fembots complaining about men sitting with their legs open on public transport. Maybe they should stash a couple of plums in their knickers and see how they sit…just a thought…I’ll get me coat

  14. The talk is all about Beta guys banging Victoria Secrets Models. Most, and by most I’m talking 95%, most of the talk is to phyc people up so they have the confidence to approach 5′s not 10′s. If you can read between the lines “Game” is about having the confidence to approach people and the stamina to bear rejection. Very nearly all of game is about tricks tactics and mentalities needed to deal with these two issues.
    Hell even the “Don’t bang Fat Chicks” posts are not really there to shame fat Chicks. They give guys that get rejected by Fat Chicks an emotional fall back position of “I didn’t really want to tap that anyways”
    In any case, the tactics for getting noticed as a pursuer are the tactics for getting noticed as a pursuer regardless of gender. Some of the things are just bad ideas for women to try, and some of them will work much better on men.
    Also, game is about first contact. That “Nice Guy” won’t even notice you exist if you are the pursuer and you don’t have game. Just like 90% of women don’t even note the existence of men without game. Once you’ve got his attention and sparks are flying you can use this to get to know him better or whittle your bedpost some more.

  15. It’s a double standard. When you’ve got balls, it’s a way to sit without crushing them. Other wise you are quite literally spreading your legs and setting up a speed bump.
    2nd, context matters. If your sitting at home with friends, sitting like that won’t be body language that gets read into. If your attempting romance/flirting it will be body language that gets read into.

  16. @Spawny

    I was only thinking “virgin” due to the cleanliness factor, although I *would* love to be with someone and show them the ropes the same as my FwB did for me. He actually recommended finding a partner with less sex experience so I can feel more in control.

    I didn’t really mean anything particular by it…just that I was surprised that you read my words so well that you can pick out a single statement that’s not my own. It’s a cool ability to have, no doubt. πŸ™‚

    And you’re right, I am not like that. Your suggestion for looking for a younger partner might work…or it could blow up in my face since my music, movie, cartoon, and book preferences are about 10 years older than me. Seriously, it’s like I should’ve been born in the early 70’s. πŸ˜›

  17. TBH I don’t think that I read your words that carefully at all. It’s not been that kind of day.

    For some reason I seem to get you and have done from the start…which is kind of weird as we seem to be polar opposites in every detail of life! except for general attitudes to letting people be whatever they want to be, and do what they wish as long as it’s all consensual.


  18. Two things to remember.
    1)You WILL Screw up. You are with out question going to make many very stupid mistakes that are perfectly clear mistakes in hind sight. You are going to give the wrong signals, you will misread signals, you will scare off some nice guys and attract some creeps. This is life. The only way to not make mistakes is to do nothing, and that is in it’s self a mistake. Mistakes will be made, but don’t let that stop you.
    2)Don’t be overly concerned with body language. While there are many signals that can be sent with body language words count more. Your body reacts to attraction all on it’s own, and this will send most signals correctly most of the time. If your body is saying something different than your mouth, it is your words that count.

  19. Isn’t there anyone among your IRL friends-without-benefits that qualifies?
    Besides, what’s wrong with having eclectic tastes? Even someone born in 70′s is not necessarily outdated by definition. Poets of the Fall was formed in XXI century and remains one of my favorite bands.

  20. I like what genderneuttallanguage said in the last comment – both one and two.
    I don’t talk much about this side of me, but I’d like to contribute, for what it’s worth. I’ve been with many men and several women. Some I’ve known and some I haven’t. There have been some repeats and some one night stands. Right now I’m with someone I see about once a week, and have my eyes on another to add in as this one fizzles out. That was hard to type. No commitment is expected, and I don’t expect any they will be around for the long-term, but they fit my wit and humor, and my body.
    It took me over three years after leaving my ex-husband to re-embrace my sexuality, and I did it slowly, just one every few months until a few months ago when I really felt again what it was that sex is for me. I adore every moment of a physical coming together, and as long as he is willing to wear a condom and be safe overall.
    The Sexual me is different than the Me me. For whatever reason, I have a strong grasp on my wants and needs when it comes to sex – the rest of life? forgetaboutit. I will command an encounter and take the alpha role in sex as much as I will also relinquish all to my partner and be subservient. I will be equally pleasured in both situations (so long as it’s mutual; I’ve had unmutual and it sucks).
    It does not bother me if I do not know the person or if I will never see them again (again, in a mutually agreed upon sleeping together). In fact, those can be some of the more pleasurable because I am free to be me. S/He doesn’t know my baggage and I’m not worried about what they think about whatever my latest life issue is because it isn’t there for them. Flip side, I’m not worried about whatever their latest life issue is because I don’t know, or care quite frankly, what it is. It doesn’t matter if I keep my heels on because I want to or yell out a little too loudly because I want to because I’m not going to be worried about what they’re going to think about it because I will never know.
    You can ask me anything, but please email me.

  21. No, all of my friends (besides my FwB, obviously) are either married or in a LTR. They are all great guys though, so it’s understandable.

    I agree about having eclectic tastes. πŸ™‚

  22. @Navigator

    He’s concerned that I’m getting too comfortable with him, and not growing beyond my brokenness anymore. In other words, I took a huge leap in learning to accept my sexuality and get over a good chunk of my abuse with him…but as I still am uncomfortable being touched by most people, he believes I need to branch out more.

    That, and he has a bit of an ego…

  23. @GNL

    Thanks for the advice. I’m still trying to decide if I’m really ready to do something like this. The more I think about it, the more I understand why some men have just never tried in the first place…

  24. @Spawny

    Ah, and therein lies the ideal: The ability to agree on a single major ideology (live and let live so long as it’s consensual) even if we disagree on numerous smaller things. If more people focused on what they hold in common instead of what they disagree on…well, I think we’d all be doing better.

  25. @Melanie

    I’m quite glad you found ways to embrace your sexuality with partners who fit you in various aspects. I may just take you up on your offer to email, as I have some questions about having casual partners.

  26. Have to look out for the young (30) lad! Plus I get the finder’s fee from his Mum / my aunt.
    I’m wondering if his forthcoming Ph.D. thesis in number theory isn’t getting into Nobel territory.

  27. Finder’s fee, lol.
    That would be so awesome for him! Quite a head-turner on a resume, eh? As he’s single, not middle-aged yet, presumably has his head screwed on right like yourself, and has (quite frankly) a cool sounding job, I’m surprised he’s not snatched up yet!

    …he’s not a feminist, or feminist ally, is he?

  28. Please do email me. I can me more open in private. It was a process to get where I am today. I lost my virginity to a rapist and didn’t have sex again for seven years after that. Once I was finally able to embrace my sexual desire, I landed in my ex-husband’s lap soon after and had to rebuild again. I’m stronger and wiser this time around, and I know what I want and need more than I have in the past.

  29. I understand. My stepfather never actually had PiV intercourse with me (thank the Gods), but getting abused in other ways for 7 years still left it’s mark on my psyche. I left home when I was 17 and didn’t have sex til I was 22. It wouldn’t have even been that early if it wasn’t for my lover and his patience…I’m sorry that life hasn’t been great for you either, but at least we got out. I’ve seen those who didn’t.

  30. No. Mysterious cousin X is far too smart for such intellectual tripe.
    Maybe I should do a blog post on this. Might get some responses from fineandlonelyfuturerussianwiveswhodontsmelltoogarlicy.com or something.
    Good thing I am not sober. (Is this still an accepted legal defence?)

  31. “Anyone know a site/dating group that has male or female disease free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together?” I think I may be able to help with this πŸ˜‰

  32. When you set goals for such things it creates the possibility of failure, which makes more fail. Just be open to it. When you’re not looking is when things usually happen best. Relax and just be open to it. Every relationship is defined by the people in it, honesty helps too.

  33. Kind of.
    My lover does still want me to have other partners, but I’m also still content with having just him (even though we only have sex twice a week now).

  34. Is it like Carrie in Firestarter?

    As you walk around does the pent up energy start shaking items around you?

    Enquiring minds etc


  35. I tend to follow the approach advocated by @myatheistlife not because of its wisdom, but sort of by default. It’s the way things have panned out for me.

    You don’t want to end up with an experience that has done you harm overall. I’m not the only man here who would hate to think of that happening.

    I have never “picked up” a woman. I wouldn’t know where to start. Although in most respects I’m anything but naive, when it comes to initial contact with a woman, I really am quite innocent.

    I think your fear of hurting men further down the track WILL be your the biggest hurdle. This is where your position is so much more difficult than mine. Whereas one-night stands are ok for me, I doubt that they’d be good for you. You’d require an emotional bond that’s unlikely to be achieved within a day or two. I require an emotional bond too, but mine CAN achieved within a day or two. I think the difference comes from the fact that no new man is going to know your female body as well as FWB#1 does, whereas I require no such pre-knowledge from a woman. A new man is going to have to earn that intimacy, whereas a woman with me does not.

    I ask her to trust me so deeply, it fills me with gratitude. Your needs from him would go beyond gratitude, I think.

    You might have to face up to the fact that your ideal lover#2 would be a second FWB. And that can open up a can of worms that leaves you with less than nothing.

    Don’t do anything just because FWB#1 (or anyone else) wants it. You might even allow a new FWB to develop with a view to it replacing FWB#1. In the circumstances you describe, he could hardly blame you for doing that.

    Or… you can leave things as they are. Just don’t be used.

    If you do decide to allow brief flings, I can only describe my own approach:
    Say a woman speaks to me in a shop (her asking me to reach for something on a high shelf would be a typical case). We then have a chat that ends in an understanding that we’ll meet again some time. This is chat#1. Our second meeting is chat#2.

    No later than the end of chat#2, the subject of relationship status will have been raised. I’ll raise the subject if she doesn’t. After inquiring as to her status, I’ll say I’m single and definitely not looking for LTR. If that’s not what she wants, we can go our separate ways with no hard feelings at all. If we bump into each other again I’ll find a way to make her laugh with a light-hearted quip or a bit of leg-pulling or whatever. It comes easily to me because I consider myself to be more than a little ridiculous. In real life I’m not the ponderous fellow writing to you here! I did John Cleese’s “Ministry of Silly Walks” in a supermarket once, to amuse a woman!

    Don’t rush into anything, Tarnished. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured, or some of us will get seriously pissed!

    Take care.

  36. @Cill

    Thank you so much, dearheart. I promise to take care of myself even though it sometimes feels selfish to. The way I try to think about it is “If I don’t treat myself right, I won’t be able to help my friends/family to the best of my ability”.

  37. That’s the first time anyone called me “dearheart”. πŸ™‚ It seems really endearing, coming from a mate. I think of you as my male net-mate, an interesting one for sure, but a mate nonetheless. πŸ˜‰

    We men Down Under look after our mates, and we don’t hesitate to ask a mate for help, either. Remember that.

  38. Thanks Cill. I think of you, and some of my other commenters, the same way. I’d definitely help certain people here if they needed it.

    I don’t know anyone else who uses the term “dearheart”…I learned it from my grandmother. She used to call her friends (and me) that, since we were “so very dear to her heart”. I only use it on people I feel comfortable with, who will not take it as an insult or frivolous pet name.

  39. And there you go again, my old mate, still awake in the wee hours. Console yourself with the thought that I’ll be up most of the night too.

  40. No worries, Cill. I understood you fine. πŸ™‚

    It’s 1am here, not too late by my standards. I’m currently reading a new book on my iPad, so at least I’m being semi-productive with my insomnia…The book is about robotics and future moral issues we may face if they reach true intelligence. Quite interesting, and right up my alley given my love for Asimov, Dick, and Bradbury.


  41. Uh-oh, I posted the above without thinking. There’s no human to animal cruelty, but the mice do get rough with each other at one stage.

  42. Here I am about to spout off again, and feeling ambivalent about it, but I have to get it off my chest.

    Because I don’t know you and the people in your life, from my POV as a stranger at a distance, anything is possible. “Anything is possible” is what worries me! You have a kind heart, my friend…

    Let’s face it, the thought of you in a threesome could be irresistibly evocative to someone. I’ve blundered into MMF more times than I care to remember, and I don’t have a single positive thing to say about it.

    (BTW, “MMF” = 2 penises + 1 vagina)

    Too often I had the feeling that one of the partners had issues, or was submissive and vulnerable, or had a kind and generous nature that was being taken advantage of. Or maybe one of them was being pressured by the other. The word I’m looking for is “exploitation”. Some people get off on it.

    That’s why, before the end of chat#2, I also point out that I’m not into MMF (FWIW I also say I very much prefer SINGLE women – I hate games). This must be done with a smile and a corny line e.g. “MMF – Keep the last character and lose the first ” (pointing at myself).

    I’m not talking about pure fun, like side-show Bob and a woman in a gimp suit, or partners having their first ever MMF experience. There’s nothing wrong with that per se!

    I mean, say for example the man is the exploiter. During the course of repeated MMF, he and she have fallen into a pattern. He has won so completely, she now accepts the role of the exploited, as if that is all she is good for. And the style of their MMF sex reflects it. Her MMF orgasms (if any) are automatic and mechanical, as if against her will, and obviously NOT body and soul!

    If someone said, “hey, she enjoyed it! What’s wrong with that?”
    … I would ask “but back at the start, didn’t she deserve better? And if she deserved better then, doesn’t she deserve better now?”

    I think the role of the exploited would be an awfully easy one to slip into under the influence of slow, persistent exploitation. “The crab in the pot” comes to mind.

    I haven’t read everything here, so I might have missed it, but to me, from a distance, it’s possible that FWB has a lover#2. If so, it’s almost certain that lover#2’s heart will not be as “sharing” as yours.

    The other (remote) possibility is FFM.
    FFM has been a good experience, as long as I don’t prefer one F over the other. Preference can be taken as a form of rejection. If she cares at all (most don’t) she’ll be acutely aware and highly sensitive! If this form of rejection can hurt her during a one night stand, imagine her pain if her LTR requires it of her many times!

    Now I’m sitting here with my finger on the button thinking, should I post this?

    Yes, I have to get it off my chest.

    Forgive me if it’s a pain in the neck.

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