My Views On BDSM

In my experienced opinion, bdsm is fun, liberating, and definitely worth trying if you never have. Here’s why…

What does bdsm stand for? Numerous things, actually…it’s a pretty complex acronym.

The s&m portion is in reference to “sadomasochism”, the d&s is for “dominance and submission”, and the b&d stands for “bondage and discipline”. All of these can be parts of a scenario, or only some of them. It’s entirely up to the partners themselves.

What is the point of being the Sub?
The Sub (aka the submissive partner) is the one who, ironically, retains most of the control in a scenario. They are the ones whose boundaries are to be tested and respected, as well as the partner who is capable of calling a stop to the activities. To an outsiders view it may seem that the Sub is being “used and abused” by the Dom. However, this is very far from the truth since limits have been set and boundaries/expectations have been discussed beforehand. I can say from experience it is an incredibly powerful experience being the Sub in a game of bdsm. This role is great for men/women who enjoy testing their boundaries and want to hold the reigns of control while enjoying the ride.

What is the point of being the Dom?
The Dom (aka the dominant partner) is the one in charge of painting the scenario. It’s up to them to bring the Sub’s fantasies to life…kind of a sexual director. They may look like they have complete control over what happens, but if their “actor/actress” says that a certain “line” just isn’t working for them, the Dom’s responsibility is to alter it to better fit the scenario and keep both partners happy. This role is excellent for women/men who are creative and enjoy the idea of being a facilitator of a unique sexual experience.

What are hard limits? Soft limits?
Limits are exactly what they sound like: boundaries to the amount of play you want to do. Both the Dom and the Sub usually have limits…it’s part of being human and recognizing there’s just always going to be activities you’re not into. That being said, there are 2 different kinds of limits: hard and soft.

A hard limit is one you will (in the foreseeable future) never want to do. Maybe your Sub is a man who got trapped in a dark basement during a game of hide and seek as a child, and he doesn’t want to use blindfolds. This is a hard limit for him since it triggers a bad memory, and must be respected by his partner.

A soft limit is one you wouldn’t usually do under any other circumstances, but are willing to consider in the context of a bdsm scenario. Perhaps your Dom is a woman who is strictly against the idea of physical punishment…so much that she doesn’t even spank her kids. However, she knows you enjoy being whipped so she makes an exception for your bdsm play.

The important thing to remember about limits is that people can change. They may find a new partner that they trust utterly and completely, they might eventually want to try something new, they may learn to crave more sensual or forceful types of sensation…the list goes on. This is why the concepts of honesty, communication, and trust are foundational pieces of bdsm.

What are safewords? How does the Sub use them?
Safewords are predetermined phrases or words that help the Sub retain control in a scenario. It should be something that doesn’t ever come up in your experiences, or even in everyday conversation that often. It could be something simple like “acorn”, or something slightly longer such as “I like cake”. Whatever you choose, it means that the Dom immediately ceases what they’re doing and gets back into a normal frame of mind to help remedy the problem. Safewords are like the pause buttons of sex, and take the place of typical negative signifiers like “no” or “stop” since various role-plays might involve these as part of the game. Men and women alike need to remember that No, Stop, and Don’t are still real negative signifiers in non-bdsm sex. This is regardless if the partner is a different person or not.

Another type of verbal safety mechanism that can be used is the “increase” method. This is where numerous words are used to help the Dom know exactly what the Sub needs. For example, a Sub might say “yellow” if they want the Dom to keep spanking them, but not as hard…whereas saying “red” means the Dom needs to actually stop. The word “green” could then be used to begin the scene again now that the issue is taken care of. These types of safewords are good for partners who have been doing bdsm together for a long time and feel comfortable with making impromptu changes without fully interrupting the flow of the scenario.

Isn’t bdsm disrespectful to your partner, or only something that overly controlling jerks are into?
Actually, no. In bdsm you find that the Doms who are best at what they do are truly very caring, loving people. They want to create a scene for themselves and their Sub to fully enjoy…like any good lover, they know that the most fun is had when both partners can end a scenario on a positive and satisfied note. My lover is an exceptional Dom in my eyes precisely for this reason. If a man or woman wants to try bdsm because they think it means being able to force themselves on the Sub, or gives them a “right” to actually hurt someone DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM! Bdsm is not an excuse to commit abuse or exert control over another person, and should never be mistaken for such.

Can men/women who have been abused enjoy bdsm?
Yes, I can honestly say they can. In my personal experience, I’ve only had to use our safeword once and that was because of the leg restraint becoming too tight, not because of any memories coming up. It’s incredibly important for practitioners and outsiders to understand that bdsm is a game. It certainly can have therapeutic properties for one or both partners, but it should never take the place of real therapy. Of course, there’s always the “threat” of flashbacks if the scene inadvertently contains a trigger that unlocks a bad memory…Again, this is why it’s so very important for the Dom to pay close attention to their Sub, and likewise for the Sub to understand that using safewords is not a sign of weakness. Keeping yourself and your partner emotionally, mentally, and physically safe takes priority over anything else.

Doesn’t it give men an excuse to harm women, or recreate hurtful extremes of gender roles?
No, not at all. In fact, what you see in “bdsm” porn is usually not indicative of what private practitioners do. For one thing, the professional bdsm community has a significantly higher number of male Subs than female ones, and involves homosexuals as well as heterosexuals. The fact that the vast majority of porn shows a female Sub and male Dom says more about the industry of erotic films than anything about what people do in their own homes (or pay people to do to them).

Recall that pornography is acting…it’s not reality any more than Thorin Oakenshield or Gwen Stacey are real people. The men and women are paid to act a certain way by the company, there’s a director and camera crew, and shots may be stopped, refilmed, altered, or slowed down to accommodate the people involved. Laws are adhered to, contracts are signed, and no company wants to be sued due to someone’s stupidity. The majority of bdsm porn I’ve viewed lately even has the Sub give an interview before and/or after the scene to discuss what they got out of it and why they agreed to what happened.
As for the role-playing aspect, I do not feel that being a Sub is at all degrading or somehow “the way it should be” just because I’m physically a woman. If this was so, then my lover wouldn’t request to switch roles now and then. He may normally be my Dom, and I may normally be his Sub…but these aren’t etched in stone, nor are they indicative of any roles we have in real life. Bdsm is a sexually charged game of psychology and experimentation, not a throwback to oppressive gender restraints for either sex.

I don’t know…it seems too rough and painful for me.
Bdsm may not be for everyone, but it should be noted that there’s no rules saying it necessarily has to involve pain or rough behavior. If you enjoy being handcuffed and blindfolded while your partner runs a silk scarf or ice cube over your body…that is an aspect of bdsm. If you like to be lightly spanked or choked, that’s bdsm. If you crave the part pain/part pleasure of having your back flogged with softened leather straps while lying across the bed…you guessed it, that’s a type of bdsm (actually, this feels really good, kind of like the sensation of a deep massage). Remember what I said at the beginning about bdsm scenarios having many different parts? Yeah, it’s not always about chains, hot wax, or ball gags (which I’ve never used)…it’s about testing your boundaries and seeking out new physical and mental feelings.

Bdsm is only as “extreme” as you and your partner wish it to be. Sex in all it’s forms is meant to be enjoyed consensually and bdsm is no exception. Hopefully I’ve covered enough of the above topics to clear up some of the disapproval and misconceptions that are so often directed toward this diverse and worthy type of sex play.

As I’m sure everyone knows by now, adhere to my Comments Policy please. Especially for a potentially volatile topic like this one.